Settled, but not Settling

I feel like a new person, having finally gotten some good sleep last night.  I took some Tylenol PM and peacefully slept until noon.  I made myself stay up as late as I could, until about 12:30am. 

I haven't entirely written about unemployment related things a lot lately.  I think that is because I am getting so used to the lifestyle.  I actually really, really like being at home now.  I am finding a lot of things to do in between job search, resume and cover letter tweaking, and sleeping and eating.  Writing, researching graduate school, GRE studying, coffee drinking, volunteer related stuff...

Fiona has been my little constant companion, sitting silently on the desk next to me and my laptop.  She is either a paperweight or a spy.  I haven't quite figured out yet, which she is.  Portia is my lap warmer.  No doubts about that. 

The past few years since I moved to this great state and city, away from my home, I have led a very out-going social life.  I have gotten the crazy out of my system, which I never did in college.  I am finally back to being the much calmer and responsible me.  Not that I'm ever completely irresponsible, but I just do not have any desire to have wild and crazy nights.  I'm happy being at home, or at dinner with friends.  I'll be going out this evening, will have a glass of wine, and I am happy stopping there.  I'd rather enjoy the company of friends than the comfort of liquid courage.  Because, after all, I am still surviving and that is courageous enough.  I'm settling down now. 

My mother will be very happy to know that.

You know you need a vacation from unemployment when...

1. There are no longer any dirty or unsanitized surfaces anywhere in your house.
2. You'd be delighted to sit in on your old boss's weekly staff meetings if it meant you got a paycheck.
3. Your cats have warmed to the idea of you playing dress up with them.
4. You've read the entire Mastering the Art of French Cooking from cover to cover.  More than once.
5. If you filed your nails one more time, you wouldn't have any.
6. No one asks you how you are any more because the response is always, "Still unemployed."
7. Checking the weather....why would I do that?  I never go outside.
8. Every. Little. Thing. Bugs. You. To. Death.
9. You find it difficult to fully focus during an interview because you're worried how your cats are handling your absence. 
10. Your mother thinks you call too much.
11. Your mind is a blank slate.  You've thought about everything too much already. 
12. Your nieghbours weren't sure if you were still alive, so they sent the rescue squad to check it out.
13. You have come up with every way to eat melted cheese and wrote a book about it.
14. Sitting and staring off into space seems like a completely normal way to entertain yourself.
15. You didn't know your boyfriend broke up with you two weeks ago.

Exhaustion Sets In At the Six Month Mark

Happy 6 months of Unemployment to me.  And Happy 6 months old to my niece!

I'm not sure if it is a result of my ER visit last Friday, or perhaps a combination of things, but I feel exhausted.  I haven't slept well the last two nights.  I also haven't watched mindless tele before bed the last two night....I wonder if there's a correlation.  I did have my first realy solid meal yesterday, which was a first in about six days.  It removed the light headedness and mild headache I had.  I should have eaten before the interview, to be extra sharp, but I've been afraid of food since emptying the contents of my stomach less than a week ago.

But I think that I'm finally near the point of exhaustion.  Not necessarily in a very literal fashion.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of struggling.  I'm tired of struggling with the ex-man who magically and mysteriously reappeared this week.  I was fine, perhaps confused, but perfectly fine after he turned his back on me.  I wish it would have stayed that way.  It was easy.  But then, when ever was anything easy?

Well, things are becoming much simpler actually.  It's so much easier to cut out the b.s. and focus on what's important.  It's a lot more difficult to get me out and about any given night of the week.  I have begun to enjoy spending time with...myself.  A lot.  I've gotten into a routine.  But honestly, I'm ready for some kind of change.  Something different.  Something to give. 

Mr. Jones, hire me!!!

How to Date an Unemployed Person

Really, we must lay some ground rules. It's not easy for me either. It takes a lot of gumption to be really  honest about this life-altering substance.  I thought I'd pass along a few things to the rest of the world. Also, I just love lists.

1. Be nice. Really, really nice. For those of us who reached the pinnacle of our accidental careers by sheer determination, long hours and motivation to succeed, only to be tossed off like an insignificant insect (all prior to turning 29), this can be a great source of pain and agony. The higher the climb, the further the fall. We are few. We are proud. We are now unemployed. Be nice to us.
2. We are not losers. See above. We worked our asses off to get where we are....were. So why shouldn't we be entitled to time off for good, hard work?
3. Take us out. We used to go out in pretty dresses, beautified and sassy, ready to take on the dance floor, one high-heeled step at a time. Now we sit at home in our sweatpants, hair up in a pony tail and we shower mostly only on days we're going to see you. I don't want to sit at home and watch a movie. I have been doing that all day already. Give me a reason to get all dolled up and go dancing...just like when you met me.
4. Let me cook for you. I like equality and I'm sure you do too, when it comes to who's going to pay for dinner when we go out. But you know I'm not covering my expenses with my unemployment benefits. Please, please do not be offended if I don't offer to pay as often as I normally would if I were employed. Letting me cook for you is a way for me to show I'm willing to take care of you as much as you are for me; just in a different way. I will feel better knowing I can contribute in some small way to our eating habit.
5. Listen. Having 24 hours a day of pure, uninterrupted, unadulterated time to over-think and over-analyse ever bit of every thing gives me a lot to talk about. Not going in to an office to do challenging, personal-thought-discouraging work does not give me anyone to talk to. My friends listen, but I'd like you to listen too. I'm a nobody these days; let me know I'm important to you.
6. Be supportive. Just like in the movies where it takes a good supporting cast for the leading role to win Best Actor or Actress, I need you to support me so that I have the confidence to win that job when the opportunity of a life time finally comes along.

We are different people while we are unemployed. We feel down, sad, unmotivated and nothing could seem scarier than Prince Charming sweeping us off our feet when we are at our worst. But just think...if you like me when I'm at my lowest, how great it will be when I'm at my best.

This post, not for the faint of heart

It's been a few days since I felt well enough, or had the energy to write.  Thursday night, fairly late, I started throwing up...about 2-3 times per hour and rather forcefully, I must say.  It even came out my nose; yes, that's gross, I know.  This continued until approximately 10am, when my body seemingly recognized I had no more anything to throw up, slowed the pace a little.  I was sooo thirsty, but every time I drank even a small handful of water, it came up within a half hour, if not sooner.  I was thirsty, tired, dizzy and barely able to string words together without slurring.

A very good friend of mine took me to the urgent care center.  They turned me away, saying I was too sick and I needed to go to the ER to get my electrolytes checked and get an IV for rehydration.  So, off to the ER I went, the second time in less than 6 months.

Here, they drew a lot of blood to test, gave me an IV, didn't allow me to drink anything except the dye stuff for a CT scan and after all that and an X-ray, I was deemed healthy enough to walk out with possible virus or food poisoning.  Wait...so I just paid over $1500 probably, to not have a definite diagnosis??  My white blood count was very high also, which indicates your body is trying to overcome an infection, I believe.  My count was 23,000, more than twice normal levels if I am to believe my Google search. 

I have never felt so deathly ill in my life.  My lower back was immensely sore, from the intense and constant wretching and my stomach felt like a punching bag.  I can't remember a time when I felt like this, except perhaps the year I was out with pneumonia for a week.  Laying in a hospital bed for 8 hours was not entirely where I wanted to be. 

Now that I am back home, I see the doctor was right: he said I'd have cramps after all that vomiting.  Well thank you, body.  I'm not sure how cramps qualify as a reaction to non-stop vomiting, but at least he gave me some meds for that and the continuing nausea.  I really don't feel like eating much more than crackers and drinking gingerale.  I'm sleeping 12-14 hours at a time, just waiting for my body to regain its strength.  Even this morning, upon waking up, I feel slightly vomitous.  My house smells like sick and I don't feel like I have the wherewithall to clean and change sheets.  I did, however, at least take a shower yesterday and ate some soup, which made my tummy a wee bit queasy. 

Understandably, no one wants to hang out with someone so sick!  So I am watching movies from my couch, snuggled up with the kittens and that has been my weekend.  At least now I have an excuse for doing nothing.

What is it with...

...my cat always wanting to sit behind me on this chair.  Maybe my bum is nice and warm and she thinks it's a radiator. 

So my house is a complete disaster zone.  Dishes that need to be washed, floors are dirty and need sweeping.  I haven't been this messy since... well probably like 6 months or so.  This week has just been busy.  I had an informational/informal interview today.  I won't get the job but that's okay.  The gentleman who asked me in to talk to his people is going to be forwarding my resume around to a bunch of people.  And, next week Wednesday, I finally have the interivew for the personal assistant position lined up.  Once again I'm struggling with steady, good paying job with benefits or cool fun job that doesn't pay much, no benefits but I can stay home a lot and still do a lot of fun and non-traditional things to make money.  Plus, when I go to grad school, I should get a decent financial aid package. 

Next...what is with people that just turn their backs and walk away?  What does that say about their regard for the relationship they had with the person they walked out on?  It's confusing, to say the least.  Not to mention, who is it that deserts a successful, beautiful, energetic, charismatic, Harvard-bound, home-owning, pet loving, creative woman who cooks and bakes amazingly well on top of all that?  Someone so short-sighted and interested only in their own immediate comfort that they cannot see that perhaps someday, this person could help them get a job or offer helpful connections.  It's not what you know, it's who you know.  If you're going to be selfish, make it work for you.  I'm struggling to come to terms with this kind of behaviour.  I'm not upset or angry, just very confused and not quite sure what to make of it. 

Things for me to be excited about: A List

1. I'm going to visit my sister and nieces this weekend for my oldest niece's 4th birthday party!  I don't know when I'll be coming back.
2. I started a great young professional's leadership class tonight and met some truly wonderful individuals.  Someone is giving me advice on job hunting and resume and another one, a cop, is pretty cool because he patrols my 'hood.  Plus, I new probably 6 or 7 people in my class. 
3. We get to go to an outdoor camp thing with ropes courses and stuff soon, to develop trust and other stuff among the class participants.  And I get to do it again in March for another group!
4. I went to Nordstrom Rack today and bought 2 pairs of dress pants, one jumper, one dress, and stockings.  This is exciting because I now have professional attire that fits! 
5. I decided to stop drinking alcohol for the month of February.  If I can not drink during valentine month, I am a rock star.  I'll also learn that my radiant, vivacious personality shines through without liquid courage. 
6. My newest goal is to lose 5lbs in the month of February.  Not drinking should help this. 
7. I started going to the gym again. 
8. I'm going to learn to cook healthy things, instead of all the full-fat recipes I've been making for the last 5 months. 
9. A new hair colour will likely be applied to my hair soon, along with a hair cut.
10. I get to babysit my nieces on Monday night!!