LIfe is Better with Sunshine

Today is looking like a beautiful day outside.  As much as I would love to have my windows open, catching all the fresh downtown air one could get, I'm electing to keep my windows closed because of a little thing called Major Allergies.  Pollen count is unusually high here this year and my reaction has been wicked.  I very much wish it was Saturday today, so that I could walk to the market, find some plants to plant in my sad little pots and grow some herbs and maybe a tomato plant.  Tomorrow is Saturday, but it's supposed to rain.

Instead, I think I will walk around my neighbourhood and enjoy the nice weather while it is here.  As it is already 69 degrees at 10:30am, I'm sure it's going to be a hot day today.  I'm sad that MG and I had a little bit of a tiff and he decided not to come for a visit.  I would very much have liked to walk around with him.  Every time he's been here, it's been rainy and cold.  Plus, sunshine puts me in an awesome mood.  And today is Final Friday...all the merchants, galleries and shops on Main Street stay open a wee bit later today and the cool people come down to check them out.  It would have been a fun prelude to some late night drinks and other shenanigans.  

In other news, I had an awesome couple come check out my condo.  I really liked them and hope they will rent it.  If they do, they will have to be in by the end of May.  Meaning I will have to be out by the end of May.  I'm confident that I can find a relatively inexpensive place to live that is decent.  I have a lot of connections.  Even if I can't do month to month, or even a 6 month lease, I guess if I have to do a year lease and then have to move because of a job, it wouldn't be too terribly expensive to break the lease.  In a way, I'm excited about living in a smaller, simpler space.  On the other  hand, now that my place is terrifically clean (I'm going to try really, really hard to keep it that way), and I've moved some furniture, I really am loving my place.  The cats love it more too, I think.  Fiona happily lazes on a chair in full sunshine all morning.  Portia lolls, her big fat catness sleepily spilled on the bamboo floor.

Yesterday, I once again realised what fabulous friends I have.  Even a new friend I have made, sent me encouragement about the bad day I was having.  I only hope that I can return the favours to the friends who put up with my angst and worry yesterday, regarding the little tiff MG and I had.  

Since I did so much connecting, applying and other such stuff earlier this week, in preparation for MG's landing here, I still am going to give myself an easy day today.  I plan to stroll around, wishing I had a camera, taking in all the sites and sounds.  I'll stop by the bakery; carbs are always good when your heart hurts.  And maybe even the wine store.  Although, I will probably just look at the wine.  Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, there is a market tour I'll be going on, given by a good, new friend of mine.  Then, an orchestra concert of another friend later in the evening.  I'm looking forward to keeping busy.

Today is Tuesday

Seeing as how I have a cat laying on top of my arms, which are connected to the keyboard, I guess I'll write a quick little post.  

This cleaning effort has taken on a Herculean resemblance.  I'll be going home to do my annual daughterly duty, over Mother's Day weekend and in true motherly fashion, my mum will be  helping me re-cover a small chair and a stool from my late grandmother.  In addition, I have a load of clothes and shoes for my sister to bring, plus other miscellaneous things that I am giving to my mum, as well as things for her garage sale.  So, I am boxing up all the clothes that don't fit me right now and hope that some day they do.  Then it's some continued furniture re-arranging.  

This sore throat is less sore and more just swollen.  And, I'm still really tired.  I do have almost all day tomorrow to get it all in ship-shape, but tonight I'm hoping to finish the pile of clothes on my bed, and put clean sheets on.  Tomorrow, I want to vacuum out my car, and start loading up some of the things I'll be taking home, so that they aren't just laying around here.  Since I have a viewing for a possible renter, I thought I should make a significant effort to make it look all nice.  I know the closets will look all cluttered, because I have boxes upon boxes of stuff, but it's the best I can do at the moment. 

And then...MG is coming!  As long as he doesn't have jury duty, that is.  I'm so excited about that; it hardly seems real, though.  I haven't seen him in almost a month, since before his European tour.  I feel like we are falling in a comfortable existence.   Like last night when he called me around midnight, after his shift, to talk for an hour and half.  It was unexpected, but most appreciated.  Just little things like that are nice; it lets me know he wants to talk to me.  I know, I know...you are thinking that I should expect him to want to talk to me!  Well, after ex-man-boy, who just flatly said he isn't a phone person, it is just refreshing to be with someone who likes to talk on the phone, and recognizes that it's necessary to keep up our relationship; that this woman cannot live by texting alone.

Now I am tired and want to take another nap, but I really shouldn't.  If I can get through the clothes on the bed, I will be happy with my progress for the day.  I think I'll go put on a mud mask to make this whole thing seem slightly more worthwhile.

 

Free to good home: ME!

The last few weeks I've been applying for jobs, making new contacts, connecting with old contacts, writing cover letters, making phone calls and just general job search stuff, veritably non-stop.  In addition, slowly (I mean, really slowly) going through stuff, making mental check lists of things I could sell, and ruminating over whether I should just sell all my stuff, pack up and leave...except the where will I go part hasn't exactly fallen into place.  Since my state unemployment benefits ran out, I am having to much more seriously consider my future living arrangements.

I can probably leave the cats with my parents, except that poses the problem of my brother-in-law being highly allergic to cats.  My other sister has two cats already, so that wouldn't work out so well either.  I don't know that I'd stay with my parents; it would pretty much be the death of any dating relationship that I have, and I really like the one that I have right now.  I could stay with a friend who lives in Virginia, but again, I can't bring the cats because of his precious leather furniture.  

I have a potential rental prospect coming to see my place on Wednesday.  This means I better get it in gear and do some cleaning, tidying, and general making it look nice and inviting.  But if they want to rent it, that's when I'll have to really figure things out.  It's scary trying to find a place to live when you have all these things you want to balance...a continued attempt at a social/dating life, super cheap or free, accepts your cats, etc. 

It was even more discouraging today when the firm that called me out of the blue to discuss job opportunities a week or so ago,  emailed to tell me that they have declined to interview me for a position for which I applied.  I feel like this is a completely impossible task...this damn job searching.  I don't want to take just anything. 

Daily, it's been sending in a mere 5-6 applications.  I've heard from others who send in 70 a day...unfortunately, there is just not that much hiring going on in my business, or in my specific niche of compliance.  

Add in a sore throat for the day along with a deep, sultry smoker's voice as a result...I am just one hot ticket right now, right?  It's so discouraging.  Rejection has become my daily bread. 

Feathers in My Hair

I'm entirely uncertain why I am awake, and have been, since 5:30am on a rainy, dreary, grey Saturday morning.  The Norah Jones station on Pandora is keeping me company, as is little F-cat, who insists on sitting on my lap and cutting off circulation to my legs and feet.  

The only reasons I can think of for my inane early awakening are 1) the deep gnawing in the pit of my stomach, also known as hunger; 2) the never-ending sniffing and sneezing of my allergies; and 3) the non-stop activity in my cerebrum that likes to keep me awake for various lengths of time at all odd hours.  What could I possibly be thinking about at 6am?  I don't know...

It's the realization that things just aren't the same as they used to be.  I don't know if it's worse or better.  I tend to think better.  Unemployment has this way of deftly weeding out people who aren't real, true friends.  And so, when you get the occasional chance to go out with friends on a random Friday night, it's a more meaningful interaction.  You remember that you have a sense of humour that other people laugh at and possibly even appreciate.  Now that's refreshing.  

It's the realization that there is a time and a season, a place and a reason for everything in life.  And maybe it's time to move on.  Whether it's because I've outgrown them, they've outgrown me, we've grown in different directions, or simply we're just uncomfortable with each other for whatever reason (I'm certain unemployment has its part in it), there are friends that just simply aren't mine any more.  It's sad to see they have moved on, in their direction, without me.  Or that I have just moved on without them, which causes me no amount of grief and guilt that I perhaps pushed them away.  On one hand, it's lovely to see people that I've introduced to each other bonding and engaging in a rewarding friendship.  On the other, it hurts that I'm no longer part of my larger groups and circles in which I once moved.

I realize that my deep, intrinsic need to connect with others, meaningfully, on a more or less constant basis is never fully met.  And so, this causes me to lay awake at night.  Apparently.  Listening to music...someone else's voice.  Not my own, not the thoughts running endlessly through my mind. 

Time Heals All

So, I haven't really been writing a whole lot lately, and you are, I know, mad with desire to read all my recent thoughts and happenings.  It's been a lot of this:  Wow, we really like your background and experience and you interviewed really well.  Unfortunately, we don't have a position right now that will fit your level of expertise; what we currently have is entry level, far below your experience.  We'll keep you in mind in case of future openings though.  Best of luck in your search.

Now, I know that the whole investment and financial industry has taken a hard hit, and things aren't going to bounce back as quickly this time around.  The fact that employment is a lagging economic factor doesn't really help either.  I know that I'll hear that goodness knows how many times before I actually get a job.  I have some good leads now, though and have broadened my network, if nothing else.

I spent 5 days staying with a friend in Denver.  I really, really like the city of Denver very much, and perhaps I'll find a position there.  Who knows.  Some local possibilities have increased, and that also makes me hopeful.  I feel like I have finally accepted my current situation.  As MG tells me, this is something happening to me, it does not define me and it is not who I am.  I like him.  He is wise.  And kind.  I'm thankful that he understands that.

I continue to attempt the purge of stuff that is just stuff and clutter.  It can be a difficult, long and laborious process.  Especially with clothes that don't fit right now, and I wonder if they ever will again.  It's depressing and de-motivating.  I wish I could have a garage sale, too.  Maybe my mother will have one this spring and I can bring all of my stuff to sell too.  I'm giving my older sister and niece a bunch of things including a plethora of shoes that I no longer wear.  With me as her shoe supplier, she rarely needs to buy her own. 

And yes, I did mention MG.  It's taken me such a long time to trust him after ex-man-boy especially, but  I'm finally ready to trust him.  He's been on my side when I needed someone to be, he's always in my corner and never judges me for all the crazy things I have been going through.  He's sweet, kind and oh-so-wise.  Not to mention quite a handsome bloke too.  It's so nice to date someone who is mature and unafraid of my myriad emotions.  I haven't seen him in a few weeks since he was in Europe, but we plan on seeing each other in a week or two.  And, I've been invited to go visit him, except it's so expensive for me and my first round of state unemployment benefits just ran out today.  Yes, you'd think I should freak out, but...that really wouldn't help now, would it?   Anyways, he is missed but we stay in touch on a daily basis and it is really working quite well for me (and him, I hope) for now.  

There is not much else from the jobless front to report, so since some guacamole is calling my name...  I bid adieu for now.

Walk in My Shoes

If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I was. 

Worn, black heels sit unattended in my closet.  When I slip them on, I breathe a deep breath, close my eyes and smile.  I am transported.  In those little shoes, I stood tall and walked confidently.  Almost a life time ago, those shoes and I climbed to the pinnacle of my career.  They heard the news the day I was flicked off the pinnacle, as though I were an insignificant insect... "We have to let you go."

Identical red and silver heels wait patiently to be worn again. Once the life of the party, we danced the night away.  It used to be that I could walk into a room in those heels...my slender legs lengthened by the height of the heel and issuing confidence...my head held high, a smile on my face and we commanded that room with the ease and grace of royalty.


If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I am.


I exchanged those empowering black heels for practical flats after that day, almost nine months ago.  I have walked an eternity of sad and lonely steps in those shoes.  As friends slipped silently away, they protected my feet, but not my heart.  Tears have touched the soles of those shoes, as sadness has enveloped my soul.

To pound out the frustration and fear of the uncertain, I lace up my running shoes.  Mile after mile, letting anger sweat out of my mind and my body.   I'm running away from my insecurities, my lack of confidence and towards a hopeful and bright future.

If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I will be.

Another pair is quietly speaking to me.  Black, strappy wedges, from my days in Brazil.  Those shoes walked me to the prisons where I did research.  I close my eyes, sigh, and remember my future.  My potential stares me in the face and I look at those shoes.  Everything I have done in those shoes reminds me of my strength, determination and tenacity. 

There is a pair of shoes, not yet in my closet.  I imagine them to be small, green leather flats, like a pair I saw recently.  They reflect my sweetness in their design, my strength in the leather they are made of, and my happiness in their colour.  I close my eyes and let my breath escape from my lips as I imagine them on my feet.  I am transported.  Contentedly, I will begin my journey of a thousand miles with a single step, in those shoes.

Resurrection: My Easter Post

So is it really time for another post?  I guess so.  I've decided this blog is really depressing.  Even more depressing than the news from Boston this past week: we love you, we can't hire you, check back with us soon.  If you love me, hire me.  It's that easy, right?  I thought the economy added jobs at the fastest pace in the last three years?  So why aren't you hiring me?  Oh, wait...it was factories, stores, hospitals and the Census which added jobs.  Is that why I received my final notice to fill out my census before a census worker contacts me?  I filled it out and returned it the day I got it in the mail.  But I suppose the government just wanted to keep workers busy by stuffing and licking envelopes and taking boxes upon boxes of these gentle reminders to the post office.  It also kept the postal office in business, I imagine.  I hear they were considering stopping postal service on Saturdays.

It's funny to me that some people will take this as good news.  Of course the economy, at some point, was bound to add jobs at the fastest pace in three years.  But what does that really mean?  It means we've lost so many bloody jobs in the last three years but now we are having a slight anomaly in hiring because of the decennial census, Easter shopping and since Americans haven't been buying anything for the last three years, they finally need to, so factories are producing marginally more goods to keep us clothed or whatever for the next few years while we continue to buckle down on expenses and saving money.  That's my analysis.  

Read it, ladies and gentlemen: 15 million workers still out of work.  But I wonder how they come up with this number.  Does it account for the millions that have just dropped off the unemployment benefit rolls because they've been out of work for so long?  That's what I really wanted the census to ask: Are you working?  And, do you want to work?  If you answer no and yes, respectively, then I want that number tallied.  Let's see how many people out there are really unemployed.  Or underemployed, but that's more of a grey area.

Cries of, "this is for real" and "we're really very optimistic" and such are made irrelevant when a garden center in Virginia is hiring 100 people, but an increasing number of applicants for these jobs are laid off white collar workers.  We might be getting jobs back, but in the service sector, not in the high end white collar world where people such as myself struggle to return to the life we once knew and not as a garden center employee.  

My Easter wish is this: the economy is resurrected to a genuinely sustainable state; that all workers who want to work have work that they love; that you and yours receive God's grace, goodness and peace during this economic recovery.

I just don't know any more...

Life must be truly depressing and awful when you wake up to windows wide open, birds chirping and 63 degree weather and you still don't feel like doing anything.  Of course, every day I do my requisite job searching.  Monday night I applied for a Bank Examiner position, working for the Fed Reserve of Cleveland.  I kid you not, less than 12 hours later, they sent me a rejection email.  And, I still haven't heard anything from Boston.

I'm getting to the point where I have to do something.  I want to go travel, but that costs money.  I do have quite a few frequent flyer miles that I could use.  I have a friend who will be in Frankfurt, Germany for a few months and I reconnected with a classmate from my study abroad days who is living temporarily in Budapest, Hungary.  My people (at least one half of them) are from the Netherlands.  I speak Spanish and Portuguese.  I could totally get myself around Europe, right?  I just don't want to do it by myself and I can't afford one of those tour groups.  

Thankfully, I am getting out of dodge and visiting my dear friend in Denver, CO next weekend and let me tell you...it can't come soon enough.  

I feel like the majority of my friends all have the perfect lives.  New houses, redecorating to be done, picking out the finishes for their new construction condos, getting married, perfect boyfriend relationships, taking trips, new clothes, slender bikini ready bodies, married and having babies...whatever it is they have desired in life, they have received. 

My life is in fail mode.  I'm having trouble recovering from unemployment.  Networking events even cost money!  Becoming a member of a regional or international chamber of commerce costs money!  

Graduate school doesn't seem like a viable option for me...most grad schools require that you apply by January 15 for the following fall semester.  And we all know I flaked out on taking the GRE last fall because I was so preoccupied by ex-man-boy.  Damn him.  Why did I ever meet him?  I'd probably be on my way to Harvard shortly if it weren't for him.  Damn it.  I'm kicking myself for not applying.  What was wrong with me?  All my excuses about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, etc... sigh.

My best option at this point would be the job in Boston.  That aside, I have no idea what I'll be doing in the near future.  Going back to a job, just any job, just to have a job sounds so soul sucking, but maybe I just have to do it anyways.