The good news:  I have moved, everything is so close (no taking 1 hour train rides to find a sit down coffee place), my roommates are great and I like my tiny bedroom.  The bad news:  Starbucks is within walking distance.  

This morning I got up around 9am and one roomie was already gone to work and the other was getting ready for work.  My air mattress has to come up off the floor (practically takes up the rest of the floor not occupied by the desk and chair).  I sort of wish that I had had the previous girl leave her loft bunk bed, but I figure I can use the air mattress anywhere else that I happen to land, without having to go to to much trouble. My room even has a window AC unit that keeps the room very cool; I even turned it off half way through the night.  

I went to the Duane Reade around the corner and discovered it was not the same as the posh DR that is across from my friend's place near Central Park.  Ah, ghetto stores...I feelz home!  I bought laundry detergent in these handy little packets that you just throw in with your clothes...they look like the kind you throw in your dishwasher.  I also bought a bottle of Clorox disinfecting spray...with which I will clean the entire kitchen today...it is getting a scrub down!  Also bought rubber gloves (I hate touching other peoples' dirty dishes and who knows what is in there) and some sponges.  

Later, I will go to the laundromat and wash my clothes, I think and after the kitchen and fridge get a scrub down, I will perhaps buy some food.  

The only thing missing are my cats and my friends!  

Moving Day

I am making a big deal about moving day, but as someone pointed out, aren't I just moving one suitcase?  Yes, but you see, it is a 50+ pound suitcase, half my own weight and it is two hours and two trains away.  Plus I have accumulated another bag.  Then I have to go buy an AeroBed and wait for my sheets and towels to arrive.  Exhausting work!  I am actually just intimidated by getting on the subway with all that.  I may decide to use a taxi or car service, but it won't be cheap.  

But you know what I like best about moving day?  I can drink a beer in the middle of the day if I want to.  I mean, don't all moving days include beer and pizza?  Both of which I had for my lunch a few minutes ago.  What I dislike is that it is just another situation to adjust to, as I have never before had roommates.  And these are 26 year old boy roommates.  I shall call them man-boys, because they have graduate degrees and are working currently.  So, 26 year old man-boys.  

I am leaving behind Sasha Scaredy Cat and my hostess on Coney Island, and I am sure I will be welcomed into the arms of the city, which shall promptly swallow up my savings with such available amenities as dry cleaning, laundromats, bars, restaurants and all other sorts of entertainment and necessities one could ever imagine wanting or needing.  

Before I leave, however, I must pack, take a shower and shave my legs and go find an ATM and some cash.  Oh, and I do have to give a recruiter a call.  My, I am exhausted just thinking about all of that.  I think I will take a nap first, since I did not get much sleep last night.... zzzz...zzzzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzzzzzz

Holy Catfish Batman

Heavens to Mergatroid.  Today has required a heroine-like patience, endurance and determination.  Fortunately, I am Sunshine Super Girl and this was...is...will be...possible.  Let's take a look at my day.

8:57 - Wake up and decide to go to Starbucks for coffee and wi-fi, do some work.

9:05 - Discover that there are only 2 Starbucks on Coney Island.  Also check out where the local Bed Bath and Beyond stores are located; Coney Island store will be an hour and half bus trip away.  Decide to pick up air mattress for new room at the locations 15 minutes by subway away from new place after I check in to the new room Tuesday night.  Consider going mattress-less for a night since I don't have sheets anyways, but decide a 15 minute trip is not that bad.

9:34 - Talk to hostess to let her know that I will be out of her place Tuesday evening and let her know my schedule for the day.  Opt not to take a shower because walking to bus and from bus to Starbucks is going to be sweaty anyways.  Bus ride includes sitting behind a girl who constantly did, undid, redid her hair, over and over and over until I had to shut my eyes because it was giving me a headache.  Cursed myself for not eating before I left. 

9:58 - Discover that Starbucks is a drive-thru only.  Curse.  Curse again.  Curse more, very loudly.  Decide to take the N train to an undetermined stop and find a coffee shop. Start thinking about cost of shipping items from home to NYC versus cost of buying a towel and some sheets.

10:34 - Depart on N train and decide on Canal Street after waiting 15 minutes for it to leave the station.  Feeling sticky, sweaty and putrid not to mention exhausted.

11:37 - Get off subway, look for Starbucks on the highly distracting Canal Street.  Figure out the beta walking directions on Google Maps for iPhone are always wrong.  Roll eyes and try to suck it up.  Heroine-like patience instituted immediately.  Walk back the way I came from.

11:48 - Discover that I walked by Starbucks less than 100 yards away from subway exit.  Curse.  Patience nearly completely evaporated.  Must re-fuel with caffeinated, iced beverage before all sanity is lost. 

12:02 - Imbibe caffeine filled, sugary coffee on ice.  Feel very sweaty and decide a shower this evening is a must.  Smell myself and groan.  

12:06 - Discover one must pay for wi-fi in Starbucks, wonder how I did not know this before.  Use iPhone to look for nearest library which is .6 miles away in Chinatown. Decide to talk to oldest sister and niece for a while.  Suddenly want to burst into tears because I miss my cats so much.  Yes, Cat Lady, I am.

12:45 - Leave Sbux and walk through the very crowded streets of Chinatown and find library.  Faint smell of fish everywhere makes me want to gag.  Still have not eaten today.  

12:57 - Arrive at library and find it overrun with children.  Very loud children.  Inquire about restroom and told it is out of order (bladder gets extreme workout here).  "Quiet" work area is crowded, and I only find it after going upstairs, run into roped off area, go downstairs, find elevator only for disabled people, finally find stairs to crowded basement area.  I am the only non-Asian.  I can't find a seat near an outlet.

1:08 - Finally get logged onto blog, extremely slow internet.  Look around and see an Asian man watching half naked white women twist themselves into all sorts of contortions via YouTube.  Think I have landed in the Twilight Zone.  Wish my friend EB and I could have a drink this evening and laugh about the craziness.

1:12 - Consider going straight back to Coney Island, still haven't accomplished anything for the day, but decided writing a blog post is way better.  Feeling shaky after only having caeffeine for the day so far.

1:28 - Get a call from Atlanta stating the potential contract position turned into a full time position, but I am still wanted.  Brain, emotions go into overload.  A job.  A real, live, full time, benefits included, relo included job with someone I have always loved working with, not in NYC, job.  

1:38 - Happy on one level, must reposition thinking, need to use a restroom, am hungry, must make major decisions, miss cats. 

1:43 - Decide to leave crazy library to find working restroom and just think. 

List of Lists

Gross Things People Do on the Subway

1. Pick their nose
2. Trim their nails
3. Chew with their mouth open
4. Clean out their ears

Things I Wish I Had With Me

1. Portia and Fiona
2. My coffee maker
3. Sheets and towels
4. Work out clothes
5. Nail polish remover and nail clippers
6. Portia and Fiona

What I Bought on My First Grocery Store Trip

1. Bread
2. Peanut Butter
3. Garden Vegetable Pasta
4. Sundried Tomato Alfredo Sauce
5. Chicken Nuggets

Total cost: $13.98

What I Have Treated Myself to So Far

1. Starbucks (twice, but is it a splurge or a necessity?)
2. Pretzel
3. Butter Pecan Ice Cream
4. Peroni (just 1, I was watching the US v. Ghana game)

Total cost (approx.): $20

Conclusion: Clearly I need to stop treating myself.

What I Will Be Doing This Week

1. Praying that my condo gets rented
2. Moving into my new room
3. Phone Interview (because the hiring manager is located in Boston)
4. Buying/finding an air mattress for my new room.
5. Probably buying/finding sheets and towels too.
6. Doing laundry
7. Trying to figure out how to hang dry said laundry
8. Missing Portia and Fiona
9. Job Search Stuff
10. Go to the Met

I'm not sure if I miss my former city yet, but I definitely miss having all the amenities of my own place and of course, my babies, Portia and Fiona.  I miss them terribly, and while I try not to think about it, I do notice that at the end of a long day, I am looking around for little P-cat to look up at me with her big yellow eyes and want to sit on my lap.  Just the familiarity and comfortability of my two closest companions would be so, so nice.  

I found a room to rent, but I had to commit to 2 months.  I figure I will be here about that long anyways.  I will spend my 30th birthday here.  I will have to leave my kittens and be away from them for that long.  I will have to hope against hope that my condo will be rented, then I will have to deal with how to get it all packed up and stored.  And, at the end of August, unless the Senate and Congress pass an extension, I will be done with my benefits and probably will have to come home.  I can't fathom being without my cats for that long.  And, if nothing works out here in NYC, I still do have the possibility of the Atlanta contract possibly working out soon as well.  Something just has to give soon, and I believe it will.   

On today's menu, leftover vegetable pasta with sundried tomato alfredo sauce, chicken nuggets and popcorn.  I would love, love, love some ice cream to top off the 5 food groups, but you know...by the time I walked back from the store with it, it would have melted.  Tomorrow, I have promised myself ice cream or maybe a gelato pop.  Since I will be on the Upper West Side somewhere anyways, might as well try a gelato pop.

So, this whole housing thing... an adventure in craigslist tomfoolery.  Today I responded to an ad with a nice living room available; it was near Union Square and large enough to have a queen size bed in one corner.  It looked cute, but I needed to know more about the occupant; something didn't quite vibe with me.  Turns out he is a 62 year old man who...wait, here you go:

I'm honestly looking for a committment of at least 2 months, because this process of finding someone is rather tedious...On the other hand if you are willing to pay me $1500.00 for the month of July I can overlook the 2 month issue...I'm 62..have been doing this to help pay my rent for the last 14 months...Times are tough...My last 4 roomies have all been females between the ages of 22 & 35...I have a small dog that lives with me in the apt...Its a great location...

Umm...yeah, no thanks.  Pass.  I went to look at an apartment yesterday in Park Slope (did I mention this already?).  4 guys lived there and the stench emanating from the place, particularly in the basement where the room was located, was unbearable.  It was beat up, some of the cupboards were falling off hinges and in general, it was a hot mess...if I may introduce southern terminology to New York City.  Pass.

Let's see...oh yes, the "we'll mail you the keys" scam which my kind hostess warned me about.  Super cheap place in (insert desirable area here) because the family had to leave urgently for (insert random country here), and they are looking for someone who would care for the place as their own, so that is why it is reduced rent.  

Tomorrow I go to see a place where two 26 year old guys dwell and have just lost their roomie, Amy, to a job in Jersey.  The room won't be furnished, but Amy wants to sell her bed, desk and desk chair.  Well, I am sorry, but I do not want to buy Amy's bed, desk or desk chair.  Still, it could be a place to crash for a month, even if I don't have a bed.  

I am also expecting to hear from a girl on Monday to check out her room in an apartment she shares with 2 other girls.  This is my best option (I think) but she is away this weekend and invited me to come see the place on Monday.  

It seems like a lot of work, constantly checking craigslist, juggling the addresses, viewings, determining what is a scam and what isn't, and posting my own ads, looking for a place.  I even posted something on CouchSurfing, to see if anyone might have any solutions for me. 

Do I worry?  Yes and no.  Worry is just a little gremlin that goes by the name Limiting Belief that just needs to be squished.  Then he hangs his head in defeat and sulks away.  I am sure something will come up and I won't be completely homeless, right?

As for the weekend and what I'll be doing: it will probably involve good food and perhaps a glass of vino.  I'm certain I will be flying solo, but that's alright.  I guess I am going to have to learn how to do that in this big city where I am starting to understand why it's so hard to get to know people.

And now...I am so sleepy, I think I shall find something else to do.  Like sleep.

Cat Whisperer

Today I went into the city for a 15 minute meeting.  Yes, a 2 hour trip, arrived 3 hours early, and for only a 15 minute face to face meeting with a recruiter.  His office was across from Macy's, so of course I had plenty to do to kill an extra three hours.  $8, a coffee, water and snack later...I was able to merely cross the street and change my shoes and go to my meeting.

While I was in Macy's, I found enough things to covet to spend my first year of paychecks.  I see how easy it is to become materialistic here, and want, and or need, to have the latest fashions.  In the midwest, I could only dream of such timely fashions, so many choices and so many things in my size!!  Except shoes.  

I am also apparently the cat whisperer.  My friend who I am staying with has a shy little kitty named Sasha.  Sasha only comes out at night when things are perfectly still and quiet and then she runs around.  I saw her once when she was in the closet, hiding in her little cat tree and she purred and purred when I petted her.  Yesterday she was hiding behind the couch and I petted her some more and she purred so happily.  Tonight she was hiding behind the bookcase and a little while after my friend left to do laundry, little miss kitty came out to play!  She wanted me to pet her and of course, I did.  She even got a little meowy when I walked away to wash a dish, then she went and hid again.

But now...she is laying on the couch with me, belly up (this shows trust when cats do this) and she is just squeaking at me and pawing at the air, just rolling around as happy as can be.  It's so cute!  I'm glad she finally feels comfortable in her new home to be out and about.  I'm not sure what it is about me, but I can usually make animals feel comfortable around me.  It's just a thing.  Cat Lady thing, probably.

My 4pm meeting for today was rescheduled for tomorrow, so now I feel like I can take the time to write some musings about New York City.  

I was not so amused last night when I pulled off my heels.  They were a comfortable, well worn in, old heels which were lovingly reheeled and polished just for the occasion of interviews and such.  But my toes were (and even after overnight rest, still are) little fat sausages (mini ones).  I didn't take my flats yesterday so since I invariably turn in the wrong direction when I get off the subway and end up walking away from my destination and have to double back (once it took me at least 7 or 8 blocks (blocks are no joke here, they can be quite long) and I stood and walked around for hours at a conference exhibit hall, by the time I got on the subway, someone was going to have to fight me for a seat if it came down to it.  Fortunately, it did not.  Note to self: wear flats until you arrive at final destination.

There are tons of people in the city.  Of course.  But did you know there are more short people than I have ever seen anywhere else?  And more people with curly hair too?  I find myself ogling short people and people with curly hair.  I have yet to notice a short, curly haired person though.  People like ME!  It's so fun.  Normally, back in the Midwest, short people kind of flock together if there happen to be 2 or more at any gathering.  Here, we don't even acknowledge each other.  There is just no brother/sisterhood of the shortness.  And the curly haired people, I am just fascinated with how they do (or don't do) their hair.  Frizziness, perfect waves, tight little curls, long hairstyles...it just makes me feel more acceptable for having curly hair.  I was even so bold this morning as to decide against straightening my hair for the meeting that was rescheduled.  Well, the fact that it is supposed to be hot and humid (outrageously) today, I figured the curls would stand up better in those conditions.  

I observe, observe and learn from my observes.  I watch what people wear, eat, how they walk, stand on the train, swipe their cards, facial expressions (mostly a lack thereof), shoes, talk on the phone....everything.  This is the best way to figure out how to blend in.  I still am, however, the girl that makes a comment to the other person in line, compliments her fellow bus passenger on her dress and cheerfully says "Thank you" to the (quite surprised) bus driver.  I insert a little bit of me where I can.  You just never know who you're going to be chatting with.  

A day into my foray into The City, I made my first celebrity siting: David Blane on his motorcycle.  Of course, my friend had to point him out to me and honestly, I am just not impressed or wowed by most celebrities, but particularly unimpressed by him.  

What else.... I feel hot and sticky by the time I get home every day.  The train that leaves from Coney Island is pretty nice and new and has a nice electronic thing that shows you what stop is next, etc.  Very easy to read and follow.  The rest of the trains don't really have this though.  I see kids who I think cannot be old enough to walk around the city by themselves doing just that.  

Since my meeting today was rescheduled, I think I will work on finding a place to sublet for the next month...yes, I am staying for another month.

Day 2 in NYC: Trains, trains and more trains!

Today it literally took me 2 hours to get into the city, where I wanted to be.  First, a bus ride to the train station.  Then the Q train which was first held up because of a police investigation at a further up stop, was detoured to the R train route because of a sick passenger, which then became an express, so I had to get off at Canal Street (think fake purses).  I transferred to the N, up one stop then to the L, up one stop, then walked a few blocks and finally....I am at the NY Public Library.  And, just as I had unpacked everything, to start working, I realise I have to use the facilities (will have to wait) and the recruiter who promised to call me, called (will call back when I am able).  I am in a quiet area of the library so I cannot use my phone and I do not really want to pack everything up again to go use the restroom.  Note to self: after 2 hours on the train, use the first restroom possible.

Yesterday, my first full day in the city was indeed a full day.  After a phone call, I headed out into the great unknown, not really knowing which train I should take.  I had a destination in hand: The Fulton Street Station, to meet someone for lunch.  I got on the bus to go to the train station and I had correct change...but in bills, so the bus driver let me on for free.  He was a nice bloke.  I figured out which trains I needed to take and arrived perfectly safely and even early.  It was really not as hard as I had imagined.

After lunch, I chilled at a friend's tiny apartment in The Village, made some calls and took a nap.  The City makes me incredibly tired.  And I had sleep to catch up on.  Once he made it home, we chilled some more and then went to dinner...a very delightful little bistro on the corner.  After a nice long, unrushed dinner in lovely company, he walked me to the train station and made sure I knew where I was going and all that.

I finally made it to bed around 11:30pm, just to wake up at 7:45 this morning and do it all over again.  I made some new contacts and have another possible lead on renting my condo.  It will all work out soon, I am assured by everyone.  In the meantime, I am glad I can enjoy and adjust to the city a little bit, before having to work.  So far, I am enjoying my time, even though I am quite tired and haven't had coffee in 2 days.  

I'm thinking I will have to add coffee to the agenda tomorrow.  

T Minus 5 Hours

I said goodbye to the kittens this morning and as little Portia cat let me hug her and hold her, she purred happily.  I woke up at 6:30am and got ready, made the bed, did a last load of laundry, put a few things away, zipped up the suitcase and packed my carryon.  I sat in the living room, watching the kittens play.  Portia looked at me with her big yellow eyes, knowing that something was about to change.  She sat on my lap and purred.  I am glad I got a last few minutes in with her.  But I had to say my goodbye to her quickly before I started tearing up.

As my friends dropped me off, and one said, "When you come back to get your cats and pack up your condo...." it seemed slightly more real.  But even as I approached the counter and weighed in my bag (at a whopping 52.7 lbs), I realized....my whole life, for an undetermined amount of time, is all in this bag.  Everything I think I will want or need at a minimum, is in this bag.  My life, reduced to 52.7 pounds.  

I am staring out over the airplanes that are coming in now.  Still, it feels surreal.  Did I really just say goodbye to this city and walk into the airport?  How long will I be gone and where will I be in a month?  The last time I felt this way was when I headed to Miami, to take a flight to Fortaleza, Brasil.  Even more naive and wide-eyed and a mere 20 years old, I made my way thousands and thousands of miles to a foreign country where they spoke a language I did not know.

I packed completely wrong for Brasil and ended up buying a lot of new clothes (cheaply) and wearing the same things over and over.  I didn't need the button down shirts, nylons and formal skirts that I had brought.  Instead I bought sandals, flip flops, a Brasilian bikini, short skirts, spaghetti strap tops and a purse or two, to fit in.  I think back on how much I learned there, just by observation and I laugh at myself for packing what I packed.  I must have looked like the epitome of Puritan naivete and innocence....and probably, slightly awkward to all of my Brasil mates.  

I think it's the reason I have obsessed over the details of the wardrobe I am bringing.  I know and understand the importance of fitting in, or looking like you belong somewhere.  On the other hand, it is important to remain true to myself.  Often it is told how a friend sold out when s/he went to a big city, how much they changed and not necessarily for the better.  I often wonder how I will change because of this little adventure.  Brasil changed me immensely.  How much more can I change?

T Minus 1 Day

T minus 2 days was yesterday and I was too busy to post much.  I was just packing and then had a little get together at my favourite local watering hole.  It was great to see everyone who came out...some unexpected, so old friends and many new ones too.  All in all, the kind of send off with my favourite people that I would have liked to have.

I keep wondering if I am ready or if I am doing the right thing.  I don't sleep well and wake up unrested more than anything else.  I am doing my last minute packing and I am pretty sure I have enough clothes.  I have to fit in my makeup kit plus another kit with the things I will need to use tomorrow morning and my makeshift garment bag.  Pick up from the airport has been confirmed, but I will need to probably get myself on the subway with what I am told, will be tons of people coming back to the city.  I will probably get up at 6am just to make sure everything is in order, and to spend a little bit more time with the cats before I leave.  I will also need to look to see which subway line I need to take into Brooklyn, where I will be staying.  

This evening I am going to a BBQ at a friend's place and I think that will be the perfect last evening here.  I am bringing my A&W root beer to drink instead of imbibing alcoholic beverages, just so I can make sure I wake up on time in the morning and have all of my wits about me.  

Reality is starting to set in a little bit, but I think it will be most real when my friend picks me up at the airport.  I think I will feel nervous and scared.  But I am sticking to my guns and as confident as I am about getting the job I want, I know it is going to happen.

Well, I have just another hour to finish cleaning before I get ready for the BBQ....it feels like the beginning of the end for me here.  What a brave new world I am about to discover...

T Minus 3 Days

Only 3 more days and I will be in Nueva York!  Today I put together my suits/business outfits.  I had to make sure everything still fit.  I did buy one new skirt and shirt just to add to the mix of things I can switch around.  They were all on clearance at Macy's and I guess I might be able to make these tax deductible?  I will consult a tax person this year, probably.  Anyways, the cats have decided that they want to lay down on the garment bag, as though the plastic texture is somehow appealing.  I also went on a trip to the store yesterday to get a whole host of things to put in my big bag (that I have yet to find).  Since  I will be a whole hour and half away from where I am staying when I am in the city, here is what I will be packing into this bag:

1. Shoes.  I will wear flats until I get to my destination.  10 months of no heels then nonstop heels will kill my back if I am too ambitious about wearing them all the time, especially with as much walking as I expect to do. 
2. Travel size deodorant.  It is warm and presumably muggy.  I sweat easily when walking in full suit, so I will need to reapply, I am sure.
3. Wet wipes.  To wipe off the sweat and freshen up.
4. Band-aids.  Really, I just tend to need these often.
5. Gum.  For fresh breath.
6. Pantyhose.  Just in case I have to wear it, but they seriously make everything so sweaty, so why apply hose before absolutely necessary?
7. iPhone.  Obviously.  I have downloaded an NYC Subway app.
8. 2 Fiber One Oats and PB bars.  Because you just never know when you will get hungry enough to practically swoon, especially if you are for some reason unable to grab a bite.  Also, it might cut down on the number of real full meals I have to buy in the city.  
9. Small notebook.  For taking notes.
10. Pen.  Also for taking notes.
11. Phone power cord.  In case I run out of juice.
12. Wallet.  Duh.
13. Bottle of water.  Maybe just a little one.  We will see.
14. KUA Member Card (Kick Unemployment's Ass)

I am open to other suggestions too.  

So far I have meetings with 2 recruiters lined up and just got a call today that I will be scheduling a 30 minute exploratory interview.  I am also going to attend a conference.  And Friday, I am going to be headed to the Jersey City offices of a colleague, for a visit.  The rest of the time, I guess I will be making calls and such.  I am pretty sure I will be in the city at least Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.  I am debating if I should go into the city every day, or work from home and head in only if I have to, so I can save subway money and work from a quiet place?  But if I am not in the city, I won't have the chance to bump into people or meet people that might be able to connect me.  

I am also researching sublets, just in case I decide so sublet for a month.  I wonder if I could sublet on a week by week basis?  Hmm, probably not.  We'll see.  I might be moving around a lot.  Good thing I will just have a suitcase.

Well my dear readers, if anyone has any suggestions, advice or tips, please feel free to write in and let me know your thoughts on what I should or should not do in the name of networking and job searching.

That is all.  As you were.

T Minus 4 Days

So, only four more day until I am in NYC!  I have much to do but have already accomplished much.  Much is going on...minor family crisis with my younger sister who has cancelled her wedding.  While I think it is a good thing long term, she is at a low point and so young to have to deal with what she has been dealing with. 

I have a variety of outfits ready to rock and just need to pick up my shoes from the cobbler, now made more difficult by not having a car.  So I went and bought 8 bus tokens to facilitate this.  I figure if I can figure this out, it will give me a bit of confidence in NYC.  I am constantly thinking about my plan of attack there next week.  Every day I believe I will head into the city as early as possible and probably find a Starbucks or some other public place from which I can conduct searches, respond to emails and just generally be available to hop a train to a last minute meeting or interview.

Today started out slow; I felt really out of sorts as I have not been able to sleep much.  My knees and lower legs ache at night and makes me completely restless.  I don't know if this is a result of walking a lot more or stress, or RLS or...well, no, it is definitely not growing pains.  Feels like that though.  I went to get coffee and my bus tokens then walked home.  Awaiting me was a ridiculous letter from my parents who refuse to take care of my cats because they think I duped them and am actually going to NYC to visit a boy.  Well, I am not.  I delineated in five points my strong case against their absurd accusations.  I know respect towards parents is a good thing, but seriously, I cannot even respect their assumptions and reaction.  That their happened to be a boy in NYC, sure...convenient, whatever...but I decided against messing around with visiting him because need my laser focus on my job search and I don't want to hassle with someone else.  It IS all about ME.  

I actually really like the email I sent them in response.  I felt strongly that I remained true to myself and whether or not they can support or condone my job search and/or my life partner search...and how I conduct either...is really not a concern of mine any more.  I know what I am doing is right for me.  What else can I do?  

I am a strong, confident and independent woman who, when faced with a difficult and life-altering situation, has the gumption, resources and determination to not let it get the best of her.  I am a fighter and nothing is going to keep me down.  I can honestly say I am proud of what I am doing.  I have no shame in how I have conducted myself because I have integrity.  I am intelligent and insatiably curious and relish exploration of my options in life.  If that means my parental units cannot accept that I am willing to leave what they consider safe, I cannot help that.  I am authentic, real and genuine.  I take risks.  And by taking risks, I know I am going to end up with the best that I can get out of life...in a job, in a man, in friends, in anything.

I dare the world, or anyone, to bring it on.  I just dare you.  Be warned that there is no match for my resolve.

Catharsis

Catharsis is the purging of emotions or relieving emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art. 

My personal certain kind of art of choice is writing a blog post with a glass of wine in hand.  And I am good at it.

Today I sold my car.  I posted it on craigslist and within minutes received a host of emails expressing interest.  I had one gentleman look at it and decide against it, another kind of jerk me around as far as what time he could come look at it (finally settling on a 2 hour window) and another who said he was pretty certain he would pick it up for his nephew.  I ended up selling to the guy with the nephew.  For cash.  I think they got a pretty good deal.  I got what I wanted, in cash no less, and now I am sans vehicle.  I did not think that it would sell that quickly.

Now I am laughing at my list of errands and things to buy before I go to NYC list.  I will probably borrow a friend's bike and ride to my local Kroger Fresh Market store and get the things I need instead of going to Walmart which is cheaper and further out.  I need to find a tailor downtown and a ride to the airport.  This is just a huge change and it will take time to adjust, even emotionally.

I have sold my car, my TV, a bunch of kitchen items and attempting to sell additional furniture and things and am working on renting out my condo.  It doesn't feel like loss exactly.  It totally feels like change.  A lifestyle change.  A shift in my personal paradigm.  I just like using the word paradigm.  It is like tossing out the old to make room for the new, I keep telling myself.  

There is no growth without change.  There is no change without loss and there is no loss without pain.  We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar. Every change involves a loss of some kind:You must let go of old ways in order to experience the new.

A friend of mine had the above on his FB page recently.  I am growing, so there is change and loss and that does cause a little bit of pain.  What he wrote above is so true.  I took it to heart and in a way, it was comforting to know that even though there is pain, I am open to allowing myself feel that pain in order to experience something new.  

Something new is New York City and its massive public transportation system, seemingly endless supply of take out options, huge sky scrapers, expensive everythings and the endless hope it has always offered to all who seek its refuge. 

Is it a sign of things to come that I sold my car when I am seeking a job in a city in which I wouldn't need a car?  That today, I received a call from a recruiter from a large corporation seeking a compliance candidate with asset management experience located in NYC?  That I am making connections and scheduling meetings there?  That I have met two blokes who will be resources for me as I travel there?  One who is so incredibly kind and thoughtful and caring that I cannot help but to wonder which angel he is.  

I am looking out over my parking lot.  There is no silver little VW Beetle there.  Goodbye little bugger, I'll miss you.

Mellow

Several of my friends have told me that I have become much more mellow recently.  And, I have to say, I feel a lot more mellow than I used to.  Last night I had the privilege of attending a home warming party for dear friends of mine.  I had just gotten a super cute dress (super cheap because the attached belt needed to be sewn in a little spot) and I thought, I always wear jeans and a tee these days; I don't often get a chance to dress up, so I wore the cute dress, straightened my hair and yes, put on mah makeups!  I even rocked wedge heels that gave me another 3 inches (which I desperately need at parties when I have to stand next to tall people).

I totally rocked that dress!  It was a great feeling to walk into the room and be rec-ug-NIZED!  Yeah...that just hasn't happened to me in a long time.  While it felt pretty good inside, I noticed that outwardly, it made me feel a little awkward to be (ever so slightly and fleetingly) fawned over.  Normally I love to be paid attention to, I sparkle and shine at such compliments and behave quite charmingly.  I was slightly shrinking.  And I can't afford to shrink too much.  I will disappear. 

So I introduced myself to some new people, but kind of non-dazzlingly.  Not my usual brilliance.  I felt like I had been drugged and was viewing things from another body.  No flashy smiles, no high energy, no whip cracking of the jokes, no... well, no party self!  But, I had a great time.  I was definitely low key.  

I remember my first big party at my condo, my 28th birthday party and housewarming party.  Wow.  I had all the blokes completely enthralled with me.  Completely. Enthralled. I was working the room, dazzling and shining and owned the night.  My friends even commented on it.  It was just a perfect night, perfect alignment of the stars, the moon, the tides....yeah, hostess with the mostest.

I miss that.  I miss the energy I used to create when I walked into a room.  I miss my energy.  I don't like feeling like I am just viewing my life from outside of my body.  While mellow might be a good thing (I was a very intense person), and while peacefulness might be a worthy sentiment to engender, I liked the me that placed a hand on her hip, stood tall her in heels and dress, and tossed a glanced that said, "anyone else up for a side of trouble tonight?"  

Well, I have an opportunity to shine like that again.  I'm going to a conference while I am in NYC and I will have the opportunity to talk with the biggest broker dealer tech firms in the country.  I am just going to go, talk, ask questions, gather business cards, do some follow up...you name it, this girl is going to step up and do it all for the sake of networking and finding a job.  That sparkly personality has got to be unleashed on these unsuspecting potential employers.  I am going to close my eyes, envision me, being gutsy, confident, dazzling and charming and knock it out of the park.  Strangers.  Lots and lots of strangers are going to soon know the little ball of fire that is me.  And they are going to want to hire me, post haste.  

Good bye, mellow.

I'm not gonna lie...

...my bedroom looks like it is the only part of the house I have inhabited in the last week, except the occasional visit to the kitchen.  I have had a weird sleep cycle lately where I don't fall asleep until at least 2am, and then sleep til about 10 or 10:30, then nap in the afternoons or late evenings.  I also have this lovely ceiling fan, that I think is the best improvement ever made to my condo.  Since it is so hot out and I don't want to turn on the AC until I am miserable, the ceiling fan is awesome.  

I grew up without AC and think my parents finally installed it either when I was in college or perhaps after I left the house, I am not quite sure.  Also, when I studied abroad in Brasil, I was a mere 4 degrees from the equator, and while it was rainy season, it was still very warm and very humid.  There was no AC in my host family's house either.  So, it takes a little bit to get me way over heated, grouchy and irritable.  And I am not gonna lie... it gives me the excuse to wear the barest minimum which is usually just a sundress or shorts and a tank.  I learned in Brasil, when it is hot out, less is better.

Today I made some great progress on establishing my soon to be presence in NYC.  I connected with a Compliance recruiter there and we agreed to meet up once I was in town.  I also have a colleague in Jersey City who I can drop in on, and a recently made friend of mine offered to introduce me to a friend of his, who is a Risk Analyst in the city.  And a high school friend of mine who is totally awesome and amazing, is seeing if she can have someone in NYC host me while I am there.  What great friends I have!

I will also soon have a new business card, designed by a very prestigious designer friend of mine.  I am really excited about this and I should have done it before.  But soon, I will be all set to go take a bite out of the Big Apple!  Tomorrow I am going to get two pairs of pants hemmed, and I have already brought my shoes in to be cleaned, polished and re-heeled.  I can't tell you how many times I have had those two pairs of shoes re-heeled.  They have definitely served me well and I may need to retire them soon if I can find suitable replacements.  Perhaps while I am in NYC....hmm....

I am just really excited that I am taking a big, brave step.  Even if it doesn't work out, or I end up elsewhere (say, Atlanta!), I will know that I took a great giant step forward, for myself.  Also, it just never hurts to have contacts and connections in NYC.  I keep looking back at the trail of events over the past few weeks and months and see it all leading up to this point.  There is a reason I have met some people I have met recently.  It seems as though the last few months (last 10 in fact) have just prepared me for this trip, and for this point in my life.  I wouldn't be tough enough to do this if it weren't for going through some terribly rough stuff and getting constant affirmations from those who support me.

The week might have started out a little sideways, but it has righted itself.  And, I'm not gonna lie...the best part is that tomorrow, I get to go get my hair cut!  It's like a pseudo trip to the spa, just having someone play with my hair....love it!  But for now, all is as it should be: me, in my minimal clothing, laying under a ceiling fan, working and writing, big fluffy P-cat laying by my side and little Fifi staring at something in the corner....ah....life!  The good life!

Bermuda Triangle

You may wonder what the Bermuda Triangle has to do with...well, anything that could be contained herein.  I assure you, there is relevance.  Currently, the Bermuda Triangle has temporarily relocated itself from the Straits of Florida and Bahamas area, to my front door.  It covers my residence.  It follows me like an eerie, foreshadowing cloud.  I'm pretty lost and disappeared.

My sanity and positive attitude seem to be in this weird, unexplained phenomenon.  I'm pretty sure it's temporary, however, and soon my ship will come in.

I know have a small computer, courtesy of EB, one of my good friends.  Also of note is someone I randomly met, who made me so mad the first few times we talked that I said some pretty awful things to him.  We both apologized and now I talk to him every day.  He's been such a surprising source of friendship and support.  My other friends, my neighbours across the parking lot, continue to be bastions of hope and positivity, propelling me forward as people in the same situation only know how to do.  I'm so thankful for these people in my life and feel badly that this week, despite everyone's support, I'm a grinch.

My current vision is to leave for NYC in the next 1-2 weeks to try to break into the burgeoning job market there.  I am using every resource I have, from calling in favours, to getting in touch with people I barely know, to asking people for huge favours so that I can someday return it, to find a low or no cost housing solution in or near NYC.  

I have only been to NYC once and I am, admittedly as a little Midwesterner, quite nervous and feel slightly intimidated at the idea of figuring out buses and the subway.  I know I can do it.  I am just nervous and being in a huge city, trying to find my way while managing not to be taken advantage of, mugged, or any other thing, is certainly an overwhelming prospect.  

If I look back and think to myself that I have confidently gone into Brazilian prisons and interviewed some pretty tough people, asking pretty tough questions in Portuguese that I had just learned, in a cute skirt and top (no flak jacket or such), heck...what's a little NYC grit and transportation?  I have adjusted to more starkly and vastly different languages and cultures heretofore, so why am I now so nervous?

I think it is because I am older and wiser and not so naive.  Perhaps it is because I have now experienced how people believe they can so easily and outright take advantage of me and attempt to do so (it has worked on more occasions than I care to admit).  Or is it that, at the end of the day, when I am crying tears of frustration, Fiona won't be there to comfort me and Portia won't be there to lay her warm, fat, furry body on my chest and purr the loneliness away.

In any case, this is a big step and a big risk for me.  I might fail miserably.  But either way, I won't be regretting not doing what my intuition tells me to do (thanks for that, KK).  There is, unfortunately, not a Bermuda Triangle for feelings of regret.

Stuff and News

Ah, so it's time for an update.  I've been sans computer at home since my laptop (coffee spill induced by cat) is deep sixed and the old desktop went (as promised) to a friend.  A new computer is in the works.  In the meantime, I do all m computer hacking in 90 minutes and the downtown public library.  That, and the encounters and interesting people watching there, could be its own post entirely.

Good news, I'm packing and packing and packing.  And more purging.  I discovered a high-end consignment shop for some of my clothes.  They are picky about what they take and it's funny when you have a pile of rejects to take home, but I guess Goodwill will appreciate them.  It's also funny what you're willing to part with and get rid of once you're faced with downsizing.  And we're talking a massive downsizing.  I'm either going to NYC or if this contract position works out, to the ATL, and so I doubt in either situation I'll be able to take much, if anything, initially.  Not discussing the contract thing until it's in place, however, as there's just really no reason to jinx any of it.

In other news, well, I guess there's really no other news.  No boys to speak of.  Which is fine and great by me.  I am too busy these days (I tell myself, although sometimes, sans computer and TV, I just lounge around).  I did pick up some new (used) clothes at the consignment shop, some that will fit when I go to Maine for my sister's wedding at the end of July.  It is nice to have new (used) clothes that fit.  I don't feel so fat.  Which is probably how people avoid seeing themselves gaining weight.   You just apparently keep buying clothes that fit, get rid of the too small ones and thereby avoid the reality that you are getting fatter.  Just an observation. 

Well, this is not the most riveting and creative post, but my usable computer minutes have gone from 29 down to 24, and I have a few other things that I need to get done in the next half hour.  When I have a new computer, you will all hear about it.

In the meantime, the library is an exercize in patience and blocking out annoying people.  I'm getting very good at it.