Mellow

Several of my friends have told me that I have become much more mellow recently.  And, I have to say, I feel a lot more mellow than I used to.  Last night I had the privilege of attending a home warming party for dear friends of mine.  I had just gotten a super cute dress (super cheap because the attached belt needed to be sewn in a little spot) and I thought, I always wear jeans and a tee these days; I don't often get a chance to dress up, so I wore the cute dress, straightened my hair and yes, put on mah makeups!  I even rocked wedge heels that gave me another 3 inches (which I desperately need at parties when I have to stand next to tall people).

I totally rocked that dress!  It was a great feeling to walk into the room and be rec-ug-NIZED!  Yeah...that just hasn't happened to me in a long time.  While it felt pretty good inside, I noticed that outwardly, it made me feel a little awkward to be (ever so slightly and fleetingly) fawned over.  Normally I love to be paid attention to, I sparkle and shine at such compliments and behave quite charmingly.  I was slightly shrinking.  And I can't afford to shrink too much.  I will disappear. 

So I introduced myself to some new people, but kind of non-dazzlingly.  Not my usual brilliance.  I felt like I had been drugged and was viewing things from another body.  No flashy smiles, no high energy, no whip cracking of the jokes, no... well, no party self!  But, I had a great time.  I was definitely low key.  

I remember my first big party at my condo, my 28th birthday party and housewarming party.  Wow.  I had all the blokes completely enthralled with me.  Completely. Enthralled. I was working the room, dazzling and shining and owned the night.  My friends even commented on it.  It was just a perfect night, perfect alignment of the stars, the moon, the tides....yeah, hostess with the mostest.

I miss that.  I miss the energy I used to create when I walked into a room.  I miss my energy.  I don't like feeling like I am just viewing my life from outside of my body.  While mellow might be a good thing (I was a very intense person), and while peacefulness might be a worthy sentiment to engender, I liked the me that placed a hand on her hip, stood tall her in heels and dress, and tossed a glanced that said, "anyone else up for a side of trouble tonight?"  

Well, I have an opportunity to shine like that again.  I'm going to a conference while I am in NYC and I will have the opportunity to talk with the biggest broker dealer tech firms in the country.  I am just going to go, talk, ask questions, gather business cards, do some follow up...you name it, this girl is going to step up and do it all for the sake of networking and finding a job.  That sparkly personality has got to be unleashed on these unsuspecting potential employers.  I am going to close my eyes, envision me, being gutsy, confident, dazzling and charming and knock it out of the park.  Strangers.  Lots and lots of strangers are going to soon know the little ball of fire that is me.  And they are going to want to hire me, post haste.  

Good bye, mellow.