Settled, but not Settling

I feel like a new person, having finally gotten some good sleep last night.  I took some Tylenol PM and peacefully slept until noon.  I made myself stay up as late as I could, until about 12:30am. 

I haven't entirely written about unemployment related things a lot lately.  I think that is because I am getting so used to the lifestyle.  I actually really, really like being at home now.  I am finding a lot of things to do in between job search, resume and cover letter tweaking, and sleeping and eating.  Writing, researching graduate school, GRE studying, coffee drinking, volunteer related stuff...

Fiona has been my little constant companion, sitting silently on the desk next to me and my laptop.  She is either a paperweight or a spy.  I haven't quite figured out yet, which she is.  Portia is my lap warmer.  No doubts about that. 

The past few years since I moved to this great state and city, away from my home, I have led a very out-going social life.  I have gotten the crazy out of my system, which I never did in college.  I am finally back to being the much calmer and responsible me.  Not that I'm ever completely irresponsible, but I just do not have any desire to have wild and crazy nights.  I'm happy being at home, or at dinner with friends.  I'll be going out this evening, will have a glass of wine, and I am happy stopping there.  I'd rather enjoy the company of friends than the comfort of liquid courage.  Because, after all, I am still surviving and that is courageous enough.  I'm settling down now. 

My mother will be very happy to know that.

You know you need a vacation from unemployment when...

1. There are no longer any dirty or unsanitized surfaces anywhere in your house.
2. You'd be delighted to sit in on your old boss's weekly staff meetings if it meant you got a paycheck.
3. Your cats have warmed to the idea of you playing dress up with them.
4. You've read the entire Mastering the Art of French Cooking from cover to cover.  More than once.
5. If you filed your nails one more time, you wouldn't have any.
6. No one asks you how you are any more because the response is always, "Still unemployed."
7. Checking the weather....why would I do that?  I never go outside.
8. Every. Little. Thing. Bugs. You. To. Death.
9. You find it difficult to fully focus during an interview because you're worried how your cats are handling your absence. 
10. Your mother thinks you call too much.
11. Your mind is a blank slate.  You've thought about everything too much already. 
12. Your nieghbours weren't sure if you were still alive, so they sent the rescue squad to check it out.
13. You have come up with every way to eat melted cheese and wrote a book about it.
14. Sitting and staring off into space seems like a completely normal way to entertain yourself.
15. You didn't know your boyfriend broke up with you two weeks ago.

Exhaustion Sets In At the Six Month Mark

Happy 6 months of Unemployment to me.  And Happy 6 months old to my niece!

I'm not sure if it is a result of my ER visit last Friday, or perhaps a combination of things, but I feel exhausted.  I haven't slept well the last two nights.  I also haven't watched mindless tele before bed the last two night....I wonder if there's a correlation.  I did have my first realy solid meal yesterday, which was a first in about six days.  It removed the light headedness and mild headache I had.  I should have eaten before the interview, to be extra sharp, but I've been afraid of food since emptying the contents of my stomach less than a week ago.

But I think that I'm finally near the point of exhaustion.  Not necessarily in a very literal fashion.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of struggling.  I'm tired of struggling with the ex-man who magically and mysteriously reappeared this week.  I was fine, perhaps confused, but perfectly fine after he turned his back on me.  I wish it would have stayed that way.  It was easy.  But then, when ever was anything easy?

Well, things are becoming much simpler actually.  It's so much easier to cut out the b.s. and focus on what's important.  It's a lot more difficult to get me out and about any given night of the week.  I have begun to enjoy spending time with...myself.  A lot.  I've gotten into a routine.  But honestly, I'm ready for some kind of change.  Something different.  Something to give. 

Mr. Jones, hire me!!!

How to Date an Unemployed Person

Really, we must lay some ground rules. It's not easy for me either. It takes a lot of gumption to be really  honest about this life-altering substance.  I thought I'd pass along a few things to the rest of the world. Also, I just love lists.

1. Be nice. Really, really nice. For those of us who reached the pinnacle of our accidental careers by sheer determination, long hours and motivation to succeed, only to be tossed off like an insignificant insect (all prior to turning 29), this can be a great source of pain and agony. The higher the climb, the further the fall. We are few. We are proud. We are now unemployed. Be nice to us.
2. We are not losers. See above. We worked our asses off to get where we are....were. So why shouldn't we be entitled to time off for good, hard work?
3. Take us out. We used to go out in pretty dresses, beautified and sassy, ready to take on the dance floor, one high-heeled step at a time. Now we sit at home in our sweatpants, hair up in a pony tail and we shower mostly only on days we're going to see you. I don't want to sit at home and watch a movie. I have been doing that all day already. Give me a reason to get all dolled up and go dancing...just like when you met me.
4. Let me cook for you. I like equality and I'm sure you do too, when it comes to who's going to pay for dinner when we go out. But you know I'm not covering my expenses with my unemployment benefits. Please, please do not be offended if I don't offer to pay as often as I normally would if I were employed. Letting me cook for you is a way for me to show I'm willing to take care of you as much as you are for me; just in a different way. I will feel better knowing I can contribute in some small way to our eating habit.
5. Listen. Having 24 hours a day of pure, uninterrupted, unadulterated time to over-think and over-analyse ever bit of every thing gives me a lot to talk about. Not going in to an office to do challenging, personal-thought-discouraging work does not give me anyone to talk to. My friends listen, but I'd like you to listen too. I'm a nobody these days; let me know I'm important to you.
6. Be supportive. Just like in the movies where it takes a good supporting cast for the leading role to win Best Actor or Actress, I need you to support me so that I have the confidence to win that job when the opportunity of a life time finally comes along.

We are different people while we are unemployed. We feel down, sad, unmotivated and nothing could seem scarier than Prince Charming sweeping us off our feet when we are at our worst. But just think...if you like me when I'm at my lowest, how great it will be when I'm at my best.

This post, not for the faint of heart

It's been a few days since I felt well enough, or had the energy to write.  Thursday night, fairly late, I started throwing up...about 2-3 times per hour and rather forcefully, I must say.  It even came out my nose; yes, that's gross, I know.  This continued until approximately 10am, when my body seemingly recognized I had no more anything to throw up, slowed the pace a little.  I was sooo thirsty, but every time I drank even a small handful of water, it came up within a half hour, if not sooner.  I was thirsty, tired, dizzy and barely able to string words together without slurring.

A very good friend of mine took me to the urgent care center.  They turned me away, saying I was too sick and I needed to go to the ER to get my electrolytes checked and get an IV for rehydration.  So, off to the ER I went, the second time in less than 6 months.

Here, they drew a lot of blood to test, gave me an IV, didn't allow me to drink anything except the dye stuff for a CT scan and after all that and an X-ray, I was deemed healthy enough to walk out with possible virus or food poisoning.  Wait...so I just paid over $1500 probably, to not have a definite diagnosis??  My white blood count was very high also, which indicates your body is trying to overcome an infection, I believe.  My count was 23,000, more than twice normal levels if I am to believe my Google search. 

I have never felt so deathly ill in my life.  My lower back was immensely sore, from the intense and constant wretching and my stomach felt like a punching bag.  I can't remember a time when I felt like this, except perhaps the year I was out with pneumonia for a week.  Laying in a hospital bed for 8 hours was not entirely where I wanted to be. 

Now that I am back home, I see the doctor was right: he said I'd have cramps after all that vomiting.  Well thank you, body.  I'm not sure how cramps qualify as a reaction to non-stop vomiting, but at least he gave me some meds for that and the continuing nausea.  I really don't feel like eating much more than crackers and drinking gingerale.  I'm sleeping 12-14 hours at a time, just waiting for my body to regain its strength.  Even this morning, upon waking up, I feel slightly vomitous.  My house smells like sick and I don't feel like I have the wherewithall to clean and change sheets.  I did, however, at least take a shower yesterday and ate some soup, which made my tummy a wee bit queasy. 

Understandably, no one wants to hang out with someone so sick!  So I am watching movies from my couch, snuggled up with the kittens and that has been my weekend.  At least now I have an excuse for doing nothing.

What is it with...

...my cat always wanting to sit behind me on this chair.  Maybe my bum is nice and warm and she thinks it's a radiator. 

So my house is a complete disaster zone.  Dishes that need to be washed, floors are dirty and need sweeping.  I haven't been this messy since... well probably like 6 months or so.  This week has just been busy.  I had an informational/informal interview today.  I won't get the job but that's okay.  The gentleman who asked me in to talk to his people is going to be forwarding my resume around to a bunch of people.  And, next week Wednesday, I finally have the interivew for the personal assistant position lined up.  Once again I'm struggling with steady, good paying job with benefits or cool fun job that doesn't pay much, no benefits but I can stay home a lot and still do a lot of fun and non-traditional things to make money.  Plus, when I go to grad school, I should get a decent financial aid package. 

Next...what is with people that just turn their backs and walk away?  What does that say about their regard for the relationship they had with the person they walked out on?  It's confusing, to say the least.  Not to mention, who is it that deserts a successful, beautiful, energetic, charismatic, Harvard-bound, home-owning, pet loving, creative woman who cooks and bakes amazingly well on top of all that?  Someone so short-sighted and interested only in their own immediate comfort that they cannot see that perhaps someday, this person could help them get a job or offer helpful connections.  It's not what you know, it's who you know.  If you're going to be selfish, make it work for you.  I'm struggling to come to terms with this kind of behaviour.  I'm not upset or angry, just very confused and not quite sure what to make of it. 

Things for me to be excited about: A List

1. I'm going to visit my sister and nieces this weekend for my oldest niece's 4th birthday party!  I don't know when I'll be coming back.
2. I started a great young professional's leadership class tonight and met some truly wonderful individuals.  Someone is giving me advice on job hunting and resume and another one, a cop, is pretty cool because he patrols my 'hood.  Plus, I new probably 6 or 7 people in my class. 
3. We get to go to an outdoor camp thing with ropes courses and stuff soon, to develop trust and other stuff among the class participants.  And I get to do it again in March for another group!
4. I went to Nordstrom Rack today and bought 2 pairs of dress pants, one jumper, one dress, and stockings.  This is exciting because I now have professional attire that fits! 
5. I decided to stop drinking alcohol for the month of February.  If I can not drink during valentine month, I am a rock star.  I'll also learn that my radiant, vivacious personality shines through without liquid courage. 
6. My newest goal is to lose 5lbs in the month of February.  Not drinking should help this. 
7. I started going to the gym again. 
8. I'm going to learn to cook healthy things, instead of all the full-fat recipes I've been making for the last 5 months. 
9. A new hair colour will likely be applied to my hair soon, along with a hair cut.
10. I get to babysit my nieces on Monday night!!

The new ME

I've never been a stick.  Ever since I was oh...slightly past the age of maybe 16, I knew I was never going to be a stick.  I thought I could be, but I also knew I probably wasn't going to give up eating.  I tried.  I really, really tried.  I seriously tried to be anorexic because my best friend was and I wanted to know what it was like.  I guess I just don't have the discipline for it. 

When you have even the slightest amount of Mexican genes, you get the latina body as well, I suppose.  I'm from a line of curvy women.  And actually, I'm really okay with curvy.  I figure it makes me a real woman in some way.

I'm under 5' tall so while curvy is good, chubs is not.  I have usually hovered around 95.  My adult low was 89 when I returned from Brasil.  My adult high was about 97lbs, after I came back and started eating again.  I dropped back down to 92 when I was rowing, running and not eating a lot pre-tonsilectomy (because I could barely swallow anything more than soup and mashed potatoes).  Today, I am 110.  I'm definitely heavier than I want to be and nothing in my wardrobe really fits.  Except maybe jeans and t-shirts and loose fitting dresses and jumpers.  I particularly like the empire wasted items in my closet right now. 

But I've really come to terms with my body shape.  Sure, I should probably drop at least 10 pounds and I'd be happier if I lost 15, but I'm a shapely little bitty chica.  I don't need to be stick skinny.  Oh, and I actually now have ahem, bosoms.  I was informed that if I talk about being 110lbs, that tall people would assume I have an eating disorder.  Well, sorry, tall people, I'm not going to stop talking about my weight just to make you comfortable.  I do not have an eating disorder...unless you count enjoyment of eating things with full fat content such as cream and butter and bacon and pancetta.  You will also be happy to know that I can't make myself throw up either.  I just can't do it.  Yes, I have tried.  Just to see if I could, not because I wanted to be skinny. 

I will be going to the gym to lose at least 10lbs and will be watching what I eat.  I want to be healthy and active.  I don't need to be a stick.  And expect to hear a few updates from me. 

                                        

My New Life

I have a busy week ahead of me, but I feel like I can't get anything done at home.  Monday, my friend from New Zealand stopped by and we managed to find her some gluten-free bread; she kindly bought me a coffee and we drove around a part of the city, looking at the really expensive old homes in the area.  Then I went to quiz night and didn't get home until almost 1am.  I had a good time, talked with my friends and appreciated the support I received from them on various things.  I'm trying to be positive and not complaining when someone asks me how I'm doing.  But I  honestly am not sure really what to say.  There's nothing new, right?

Today I returned a pair of gorgeous golden bronze heels to Nordstrom Rack, one of my favourite places to find size 4.5-5 shoes for my itty bitty feet.  They were beautiful and I had intended to rock them on New Year's Eve, but alas, plans were not what I had hoped for.  This evening, I'll be attending my first dinner club dinner, Thai themed.  I'm making the appetizer.  It's also my niece's 4th birthday!  I wish I could celebrate with her.  I really want to go to the gym today as well, now that I have my car back, but I am waiting for my sister to call me so that I can talk to my niece.  In the meantime, I'm writing this instead of cleaning my very messy kitchen.

Tomorrow I attend the kick-off for the year-long leadership program into which I was accepted.  I'm not sure what to wear, honestly, because I'm not sure what will still fit.  I have a pair of navy linen pants but my navy shoes have a broken heel that hasn't been repaired (for the 3rd time) yet.  I definitely need to dress in professional attire however.  I'm a little nervous because everyone else in the leadership program has an awesome job!  Of course, I probably wouldn't have been able to participate in this program if I was still employed by my previous employer. 

Thursday is actually the only day this week that so far, I have nothing planned.  And it's all MINE!  I'm not going to plan anything, so that I can do things for myself.  Like, go to the gym.  I have another potential roomie, so I want to get things in order.  I know I keep saying this, but going through ALL my clothes and things is such a big task.  Honestly though, I need to make a rule that if I haven't worn or used it in a year, it needs to get tossed or go to Goodwill.  Also, I would like to try to sell my computer desk now that I have a laptop.  I don't really need a whole huge desk any more.  I also need to bake cookies for my friend's birthday coming up and mail them to him.  I have no bake cookies already made; I need to frost the rich roll cookies and perhaps make some chocolate chip and or oatmeal butterscotch as well.  Starting next week Thursday, I'm going to be GRE studying with my neighbour and I'm really looking forward to that. 

Friday I am going to a cooking class that was really cheap, with the girls.  I'm really looking forward to the Italian menu, but need to figure out what I have to wear, that fits, that doesn't consist of jeans and t-shirt.  Seriously, this extra 10 pounds is not going over so well with me.

I'm still trying to get back into a routine.  Since I went to bed around 2am this morning, I didn't get up until about 10 and that was only because I really made myself.  I need to clean, clean, clean!!  And organize and throw things out that I don't use.  Litter boxes, sweeping, floors, laundry, the works!  I just need to make a list and get through it.  In addition to all the cleaning, job searching needs to be a priority, as well ast networking and getting back in touch with friends and colleagues.  One would think that, being home ALL THE TIME, I would have this stuff done, but sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing to do, nothing important, that is, it is much easier to forget about everything and just watch tele or cook or stare at Facebook and my email until someone updates their status or an email comes in.  Really, I've done it before. 

But, being newly emotionally free from worrying about anyone other than myself is bound to make me more productive in a day or two.  And once my volunteer and leadership stuff gets underway, perhaps I will once again feel like a productive member of society.

Monday...again?

First and foremost, I have fallen off the normal routine wagon.  I pulled a 3am-11am sleep shift last night.  I find myself thinking that I am just too bored to go to bed.  Has anyone else ever thought this?  I told myself it didn't matter as much, as today is a holiday and probably a lot less people are working today, and so I am not the only one in a non-normal routine today. 

I did, however, take a shower already and start the dishwasher.  I made plans with a friend to do a little sight-seeing around town today.  I even put on a clean pair of jeans and makeup.  This evening, I will go to quiz night.  And hopefully, go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

I like how I justify my odd sleeping hours, then congratulation myself on doing the barest minimum possible.  Ha. 

Things I should be doing include cleaning my kitchen and bathrooms; going through all the junk and clothes I have sitting in my second bedroom so that I can turn it into a comfortable, cozy lounging area for myself.  Or a bedroom for visitors or a roommate (currently resisting having a roommate, I like my space and privacy right now and besides, what if I have to move for a job?).

Instead, I've been watching Fiona sit on the flat top stove, dreaming of ways to fill the time unproductively til my friend comes over and trying to stay warm, not chilly.  I'm really not this lazy, I'm just bored at the moment.  Hm.  I think I will go put on some warmer clothes, then eat the rest of the incredibly yummy gorgonzola and pancetta risotto I made last night. 

In other news, I have convinced myself I am not getting this job with my old employer (not the one that laid me off, the one before that).  I emailed the hiring manager on Wednesday last week, but haven't heard anything.  I'm assuming they are offering it to someone else and just need to make sure the offer goes through before they tell me I am unwanted and that there was a better candidate for the position.  If that's the case, I likely will find a way to move out of this city as I feel a strong need for a change of pace and a new setting.  Preferably one where I think I have a decent chance at finding a good mate.  Because I do, in fact, want to get married sometime in the near future.  Near being defined as the next 3 years.

And that, my friends, is another Monday for me.

I usually start my Sundays with coffee and yoga. Not at the same time, of course. My first experience with yoga was probably when I was about 23 or so. The instructor wasn't actually a certified teacher and it was held in my apartment complex's clubhouse. After a few sessions, it was no longer free and I lost interest because I wasn't really that impressed anyways.

Recently, a friend of mine completed her yoga teacher training and has been holding lessons in her spacious apartment. I have discovered so much more than how to regain my flexibility. This is me time for me. I'm able to connect with myself so much better and I feel stronger and more centered. I never really believed it when people said they could become calmer and centered from practicing yoga. But after seeing my friend settle into happiness and focused on the positives in life, and sharing that with her friends in a very selfless way, I have become inspired.

Inspired that perhaps I too, can find strength of spirit, peace of mind and comfortable happiness.

Recently, the significant other became insignificant, due to a complete 180 degree turn around, with behaviour I had hoped to never expect from him. Sadly, I've just come to expect this behaviour from boys in general. The promise and illusion of being honest disappears with a sudden wave of the hand and poof. You can't trust anything he says any more.

We didn't have a fight. He just behaved badly and hasn't returned my calls. I didn't even point out that he behaved badly. So I'm choosing to move on without so much as a last word to him. This is the last time I talk about him. I'm sure he'll text me at some point when he wants his stuff, but... I've moved on now. Moved on to someone else. Me.

Insignificant other, thanks for making it easy to move on.

Freedom

What is freedom? Freedom is driving your car cross country, because you can. Freedom is saying, "Pick up your clothes by Monday or I'm throwing them out." Freedom is a new hairstyle. Freedom is packing up and leaving everything behind you, no second thoughts, no regrets. Freedom is not accepting less than what you deserve. Freedom is allowing your friends' kindness to heal your broken heart. Freedom is making new friends. Freedom is moving on with your life. Freedom is...

Drool

I'm in the market for a sugar daddy and I have learned what demands I must make in my next relationship: someone whose world revolves around me, takes me out to eat and buys me the things I drool over (see below). If you think you might qualify, please contact me.

Beautiful Red Shoes Pretty in Pink My Blue Suede Shoes Red Hot Green with Envy

A Plan...I Haz One

I'm a planner by nature, so when I don't have one, I freak out. My life lately has seemed like there is no plan, no organisation, no order. It's just a complete toss-up and we'll see what comes falling down. That's when unhappiness, sadness and boredom sets in. That's been my problem for the last few weeks.

I will admit, a lot of it stems from the fact that my significant other is leaving for LA soon and I haven't known what's going to happen. While things have not been 100% perfect, I still believe in his goodness, respectfulness and caringness. Sometimes we are product, or victim, of our circumstance. No excuses, just a reason. Neither of us have been at our best since we've known each other but we've been able to create some fun, happy memories together.

Yesterday, we both agreed that we would rather be close to each other, than attempt a long distance relationship that, at this point in our relationship, we are really not ready to make successful. And so, we decided to keep seeing each other as we have been and when he leaves, instead of attempting an ill-fated relationship destined to end up in things gradually trailing off and us not really speaking to each other, we would continue to build a close friendship. We both came to this same conclusion separately, but he voiced it first because it was important to him that we don't lose our closeness. I was very happy to know that I was important enough to him to ensure we continued to become close and not drift away. Even though that means a friendship instead of a different kind of relationship, it really means a lot that I'm worth enough to someone that they make an effort to make sure we don't drift apart. He wants me in his life. He told me he hopes that I still call him a lot and talk to him when I'm sad and when I'm happy, and he still wants us to visit each other. Did you all hear that? I'm wanted. Someone actually wants me.

I know it may seem rather pathetic and sad that I'm thrilled about this, but I've rarely felt this way in my life so I am celebrating the moment. Some people may think the worst about this situation and think it's the easy way out for him, but keep your thoughts to yourself and don't ruin my small victory in life.

So, that's been planned. We finally have a plan for when he leaves. The rest of my plan includes making new friends and spending more time with old friends that have been offering a lot of support and understanding lately, but perhaps I've not spent a lot of time with. I've already started making new friends. From the people in my volunteer leadership group to my new neighbour across the street, to the international student that I met randomly.

After I find out about the job that I'm waiting to hear from (any day now!), I'll decide what further plans I need to make. If I get the job, my plan is to save more and travel more this year. If I don't get the job, I intend to try to find an international job and I have some good ideas lined up. Also, I want to pare down my belongings and simplify my life so that I actually wear all the clothes I have (don't ask me to give up any shoes though) and so that it's easier to keep things neat and tidy and clean...and, well, easier to move or store if need be. Also on this year's agenda is studying for the GRE and actually taking it, and applying for graduate school.

There you have it folks...the outline of a plan. Perhaps not as detailed as it could be, but I feel like I have a direction and that's always good.

And now, my plan for this afternoon: make mac 'n cheese!

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry that I haven't been the best that I could be lately.

I'm sorry that two really bad weeks of feeling really, really depressed and scared of when you leave has been making me a miserable mess.

I'm sorry I have constantly been needing your reassurance that I'm normal and okay, because I haven't felt like it.

I'm sorry that feeling like an unproductive member of society with nothing to add to any friendship, conversation or anything else has caused me to lose a lot of my usual confidence.

I'm sorry my loss of confidence has let me lose confidence in us.

I'm sorry that the fact that you never take me out causes me to lose confidence in us.

I'm sorry that when I crash, I burn...and it's a a horrible mess that I want you to help me clean up.

I'm sorry that I expected you, and wanted you, to make me happy and whole again because you were the only thing that made me feel that way lately.

I'm sorry that I am not perfect and that I break down occasionally.

I'm sorry that my childhood fears of be unloved and unacceptable got in the way.

I'm sorry that if my love and affection and everything else I did for you weren't enough for you to overlook a week of terrible sadness and unhappiness. It wasn't you.

I'm sorry I just wasn't enough. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you were leaving and we didn't have enough time to figure us out.

I'm sorry for every time I might have hurt your feelings and made you feel less than what you are.

I'm sorry for ever yelling at you; I'm sorry my passionate nature gets in the way.

I'm sorry that things weren't perfect and that it was my fault.

I'm sorry for anything, everything that made you want to walk away.

I'm sorry if I loved you too much or too little or just not the right way.

I'm sorry for worrying and thinking too much.

I'm sorry it isn't working for you any more.

I'm sorry I'm too intense for you; I warned you but maybe you didn't believe me.

I'm sorry my strong emotions scared you.

I'm truly, truly sorry for hurting you and not making you truly happy. It hurts me to know that I could hurt you or make you upset or sad or just not want to be with me.

I'm sorry I let go of all my inhibitions and let you see even the craziest side of me. I'm sorry it was too much for you.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. It's just another failure in my book, failure to love someone enough that they can love me back. Proof of my imperfections and flaws, knowing they are always going to get in the way. Proof that I'm so broken that I'm unlovable. I try so hard, I do so much and feel like none of it's worth it at the end of the day. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me for not being perfect for you and for trying to demand too much from you. I'm sorry.

Lone Star State

How do you know when you're so lonely that.... well... that... How do you know that you're so lonely that you become pathetic? Other than when someone tells you, that is.

One sure, clear sign is when you stay up until about 3am or later...and when you finally convince yourself that you should catch some z's, you sleep or stay in bed until you decide you're too hungry not to, or just really have to use the toilet.

A friendly bottle of Blue Sapphire helps lull you into that false sense of confidence that someone loves you. You confidently chat with old boyfriends, flirting a little, bringing back some of those familiar memories... Just happy that someone wants to talk to you. Until they ask you if you are lonely.

Before you fall asleep, you dream of those beautiful moments you have yet to experience in your life. A blissful, fun-filled 30th birthday party with 100+ of your closest friends. A marriage proposal. A walk down the aisle. When your sister lets you keep your niece for a week. Your 6 month old niece happily lulls in your arms, not knowing what a pathetically lonely loser you are.

You keep your phone close, but your cats closer as you watch the Food Network endlessly. You feel like laughing at the host of Boy Meets Grill or rolling your eyes at the perfectionista on Everyday Italian or the humour of Bobby Flay's Throwdown somehow is human interaction.

You wander aimlessly towards your refrigerator, stand in front of it and hope that something calls your name. Literally calls your name. So you can have a consversation.

You begin to wonder...whatever really happened to chat rooms? Are they still open at 12:49AM?

Scary movies are...just company.

When you become afraid to interact with friends or normal human beings for fear that you will come across as so....lonely that you will be able to do nothing but talk for 3 straight hours about everything you've been doing or thinking for the last 2 days...since you spoke to someone in person.

Refreshing Facebook statuses becomes a bi-minutely habit.

People say you have that "sad puppy dog" look when you first meet them. Or, the deer in the headlights look. Or, the sad, pathetic person look.

You actually start having real conversations with your cats. Before, it was just some random, "here kitty kitty" stuff and that, but now, it's like full blown conversations and you are absolutely certain that you can read their facial expressions as responses to your queries.

Life is lived in daydreams... inhabited by people who love you, talk to you, touch you, listen to you. Life, a dream where life at its best surrounds you. Where life is lived outside reality.

When Good Just Isn't Good Enough

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Yes, indeed, it is.

I'm angry but I lack the enthusiasm to do anything about it. If I did, I would get rid of anything "good" in my life. What?! Why would I do that? Because good is not great.

A good relationship is that one that you settle for. He gets you through the day and he's a good guy, you tell your friends and yourself. He is good. But when you're at your lowest, at the worst you've ever been and seriously showing off your crazy, he avoids, ignores and is oblivious. Good doesn't get you what you really want: a relationship with the ultimate amount of security. So secure, you know you're destined for forever; so secure, you don't feel the need to get reassurance and proof of his commitment.

A good day is still a mediocre day. You just make it through. You get up, get a few things done and even send out thank you letters for your Christmas presents. Friends email, call, visit. It fills the empty space. The lonely, empty 24 hours that we call a day. You survive. 9-5. A good day is one where you get paid for what you do even thought you don't enjoy it. And that's all you dare to ask for. Good isn't what you're looking for: that job where you can change the world and make a difference.

A good outfit isn't the one that you wear when you are newly single, walk into anywhere and absolutely command the entire room. A good outfit will get you a few places but never the job of your dreams, the man of your dreams or the time of your life. Good isn't what you want: hot, sexy, competence, confidence all wrapping you up neatly in a perfect little package with a bright, shiny bow.

A good friend is just that: good. They listen, they talk, they go out with you. They'll tell you when you look good and won't necessarily poach the man you've been eyeing. Good isn't the best: the friend that calls you, knowing when you're feeling down; the friend that buys you groceries when you don't have much; the friend that sits in the silence with you when all you really need is just some good company and to know that she's got your back.

I've had a best friend, a the perfect outfit and an amazing day. It leaves my imagination to discover my heart's true desire: the man of my dreams and beautiful children who have our crazy personalities.

The reason I love my nieces so much is that I see so much of myself in them. My oldest niece is hilarious, funny and stubborn. My youngest niece has finer features and at five months, already an intense personality. They both have curly hair. I love them and miss them so much, mostly because I imagine that someday, my children (two girls and a boy) will be lively, independent, curious children with minds of their own, with a sense of self and purpose. They will laugh, be happy and be a little crazy with my laid back husband and me.

He will be my rock, solid and steady. Ready to tell me things are all going to be okay and when I feel a little crazy, hush me to sleep and reassure me that I'm pretty normal. He'll be there to laugh and goof off with pretty much all the time. And when life comes crashing down, he knows when I need to be picked up, dusted off and taken out in that perfect outfit. It won't bother him when I'm feeling clingy because he knows he's my safety, my comfy security blanket.

I've never been the girly-girl, imagining and planning my wedding since I was old enough to know what a wedding is. But I am ready to admit that what I want is to be standing, in the perfect outfit, on an amazing day, ready to walk down the aisle towards my best friend and marry the greatest man that ever lived: mine.

Drudgery Budgetry F**k, the Mouse is Sh** Outta Luck

Some damn little (fat) cat woke me up at 7:30am scratching on the bed like it was a nuclear emergency. She just wanted to be fed, but there it was, I indulged fat cat and I was wide awake, with only my thoughts to keep me warm.

The thing is, when you turn your heat off so you don't have to spend an inordinate amount (or any amount) of money on electric bills, if you sleep through the cold until say, 2 in the afternoon, you feel like you can maybe make it through the day, huddled on your couch under your electric blanket. You get nothing done, but you're warm. But when a fat cat wakes you up and 7:30am and you get out of bed, the bloody coldness wakes you up and you realise that on top of being freezing, you are in fact, starvingly hungry as well.

So I woke up cold and unhappy, all these thoughts running through my head (as per my usual) and came up with the lovely title of this blog post. I'm not normally this creative with my titles, as much as I think I really am or would like to be. It took my 5 whole minutes of barely awakeness to think of that clever title (which you should sing-song to Hickory Dickory Dock...if you didn't get it).

I was thinking about how I'm not going grocery shopping because a) I don't have a car right now and b) I'm tired of walking in 12 degree weather to get to the Kro-ghetto around the corner and c) groceries = less money in my pocket and I've been going out too much lately.

Then I just started thinking about how miserable I feel lately and how ready I am just to get back to work. I can't afford to keep heating my condo at $160/month but it's 12 effing degrees outside and if I don't turn the heat on, it's 42 in my place when I get up and I can't afford to have a pipe burst less than I can afford heat. I'm literally sitting here with my coat and scarf on. I go to bed fully clothed too. And now I'm hungry.

Being hungry is funny. I've probably gained 10 lbs in the last year and half since I lost my tonsils. I guess swallowing anything was never pleasant until my throat-choking tonsils were taken away. Now, apparently, not only have I discovered the pleasures of cooking with vast amounts of butter and cream, the pleasures of eating anything now that it doesn't feel like squeezing a monster truck down Parliament Street. But I look in my fridge and not only is there not anything all that appetizing (or really much at all) in it, I can't stop thinking how bloody cold it is, standing there with the fridge door open.

So now that I'm all nice and fattened up, I hope I will be losing these ubiquitous pounds, seeing as I can't stand to go grocery shopping for fear of spending money. Yes, please add chrometaphobia to my list of ailments.

When you have limited resources, you lose your options. It's water, or...well, water, if you want to drink anything at my house. No more juice. I just ran out out of creamer for my coffee which I cannot drink black. And that's suddenly when you start craving anything but water. My old regular Coca-Cola habit is rearing its ugly head, simply for the fact that this would constitute a want or a luxury, which I cannot indulge.

In addition to all this, I have not seen or spoken (aka texted) my man much in the last few days. I didn't even get a Happy New Year text while he was on a next to free trip to New Orleans for the sweet Sugar Bowl. I know his phone died because I forgot to give him the extra phone charger he keeps at my place. But. I miss him terribly and I just want to cuddle up next to him and feel safe, secure, happy and completely lost in the warmth and comfort he so often provides. I know I should be all patient and wait for him to recover from his drunken debauchery of the weekend and 24+ hours of driving in 4 days. And I can't even drive up to see him, seeing as I have no car at the moment. But I want someone to pay attention to ME for once, regardless of how they might feel. I'm tired of always being the patient, understanding one.

I want someone to truly understand (or try) what I'm going through and what goes through my head on a daily basis. I'm lucky that I've had enough money to survive this long, but I'm so tired of how hearing the heat running makes me anxious. I'm tired of thinking, oh, I want some juice...oh wait, I don't have any. Oh, wait, no car to go to the store. Oh, nevermind, it would cost me $3 to buy a thing of juice anyways. I just want some juice and not have to think about it!

I keep making lists of things I need, then I throw the list away because I can't pay for it or because it's actually a list of things I want, if I really think about it. A haircut and color would be nice. Creamer for my coffee. Juice. All purpose cleaner. Paper towels. New under-garments for my burgeoning body. Clothes for my burgeoning body. Milk.

Got milk? Be thankful.

Happy New Year!

Well friends, it's a new day and a new year. This year I leave my 20's behind and begin the glorious journey through my 30's. I'm not dreading my 30th birthday because I'm not married or because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would by this point in my life. Life has taken me down another path, through a different journey than I would have chosen, but I am happy with where I am and what I have been learning for the last 29 and almost 1/2 years. But there are things I do want to have done before my 31st birthday.

I recently found a journal entry from two years ago and it was a list of goals for myself. I realized I have accomplished most of those: started my MBA, I found myself, found a new job, bought a house, found love, left the past behind and keep moving forward... My last goal, I'm not sure if I can measure this: Embody intelligence, compassion, strength, maturity and grace. I will let those of you who know me judge that.

Well, it's time for a new list of goals for my 30th year. Here they are:

1. Live a simpler, less material life.
2. Get into graduate school.
3. Live healthier.
4. See the world.

I can only think of these four things that I really want to do (oh, and finding a job, but you know...). They are somewhat vague and not concrete. As a dear friend of mine tells me, when you set a goal, you also need to define how you will accomplish that goal.

1. Live a simpler, less material life. For me, this will involve getting rid of things I don't need and don't wear. Shopping less has already become part of my life, but when I find a job, I know that shopping for clothes is going to be one of the first things I want to do. But, I think I will enlist the help of a stylist to help me go throught my clothes and shop more strategically, so I always look my best, but not at a great expense.
2. Get into graduate school. Take the GRE. Research the schools I want to get into. Write essays. Apply.
3. Live healthier. Stop cooking with so much cream and butter! Learn to like veggies and eat more fruits. Work out regularly. Keep going to yoga. Learn to relax and not worry or stress out so much.
4. See the world. I've always dreamed of travelling the world. I've never thought I had the money to do it. And, I've been afraid to do it on my own. Maybe I will have a travel partner and maybe I won't, but I know there are tour groups and other options. God willing I will have a job soon and be able to start this.