A Simple Question

There's this permanent sense of loss, and bereavement that I feel these days.  My old self seems to have left me and I'm realising now she isn't coming back.  She left me forever changed.  Marked with an indelible desire for connection, knowledge, respect, autonomy and passion, I am unable to meet these demands.  

She left and I'm here alone, facing the never ending question: who am I? 

More Food, Please

When there is nothing to do, there is in fact only one thing to do.  Cook.  Or bake, but I prefer to cook.

I've been on a huge salsa kick lately and today I made another one that included red and white onions, garlic, a can of diced tomatoes with jalapenos, a little bit of leftover crushed tomatoes, cumin and parsley.  It's quite a different taste and the kick kind of gets you right in the middle and finishes with an earthy flavour which I believe is imparted by the parsley.  I would have preferred to use cilantro but didn't want to go to the store just to get it; it's also not cheap at the one place I can find fresh cilantro without having to run all over creation.  So I just blended all these ingredients and, voila!  It was missing something, so I added some basalmic vinegar and simmered for 15 minutes on low heat.

I didn't have any tortilla chips either, so I cut up a bunch of corn tortillas that I don't like the flavour of, put a little olive oil on them, then sprinkled seasoning salt, baked at 350 for 15 minutes.  I think they'll go well with the salsa.

The one thing I made today that I thought had real potential for my imaginary, someday I'll own it deli, was a sandwich.  Not just any sandwich though.  I started with plain ciabatta slices and buttered one side of each.  I slathered the opposite side of one slice with my sundried tomato pesto (STP), layered on some slices of fresh mozzarella and two slices of thickly cut roasted chicken from the deli, another slathering of STP and topped it off with the finishing slice of ciabatta.  I kind of grilled it in the skillet on lowish heat and pressed another, heavier skillet on top of it to press it (I wish I owned a panini press!).  I turned sides twice, letting it sit while slowly getting that crispy, crunchy texture.  I have to say, that crunchy crust with the softer, smoother textures of the mozz, pesto and chicken was amazing.  Nothing short of the best lunch I've had in a while.  It was sooo, sooo good.  

My  next project I think will be batatas bravas con aioli....

Sundried Tomato Pesto

I made this yesterday and it actually made quite a bit.  I gave half of it to my  neighbour.  It was quite good.

4 oz. sundried tomatoes
2 TBSP fresh basil
1 TBSP fresh parsley
1 TBSP chopped garlic
1/4 cup of pine nuts
3 TBSP chopped onion
Blend these ingredients first in a food processor or blender.

1/4 cup basalmic vinegar
1/3 cup of crushed tomatoes
1/4 cup of red wine
Next, blend in these ingredients

1/2 cup of olive oil
1/2 cup of grated parmesan cheese
Stir in these last two ingredients, salt to taste.

I didn't add quite as much olive oil and added a little more parmesan cheese and I would say it didn't hurt it at all.  I ate it over some fresh mozzarella, but you could also use it as a tapenade or for bruschetta.  Sorry I don't have the requisite picture...yet. 

What do MGs and Cupcakes have in common?

Ugh, it's Monday once again and it's one of the grossest Mondays in my recollection...which only goes back a few days because really, all Mondays are gross.  This one is cold, grey and rainy.  I also had to take MG to the aiport.  I have decided visitor man gets a shorter, more permanent nickname.  MG is not his initials, I think those two letters sound good together, that's all.  It could also stand for, My Goodness, he's hot.  Or, My Goodness he's not gotten freaked out by me, yet.  I have also always just liked the sassy little MG cars.  Oh, so...to the airport, at 5:30am!!  That means we got up at 5am!  I didn't sleep almost all of the night because I was afraid I would miss the alarm and miss waking him up.  We said our sweet, sad goodbyes and back to bed I went, until 8:56am when I thought I should wipe the goobies from my eyes and try to get rid of my morning voice before I talked to my life coach.

Today we talked about values.  I'm supposed to do this exercise where I distill a list of values down to my top 5, in order of most important and then think about how my life is meeting those goals.  Hmm...I think I might go walk over to the coffee shop and complete these.  Maybe I'll do them tomorrow.  I don't know.   See, nothing sounds good today except a cupcake and watching (500) Day of Summer.  I've never seen it before, but I have it and hear it's pretty good.  Maybe there's a cupcake waiting for me at the coffee shop!  Okay...now I might actually be motivated to get out of the house today. 

Myday

Fridays are usually my days.  When I first entered the realm of unemployment, Fridays were like cleaning days.  But when  you're home 24/7 to messy things up, just one day a week for a few hours doesn't keep up with the mess.  

But I have cleaning ADD.  I start with cleaning out a dresser drawer, dumping everything onto the bed so I can decide what fits, what doesn't, what might and what will definitely never fit again.  Then I decide dishes have to be done.  Return to drawer mess, decide sheets need washing.  Then I grab the towels.  I hang dry a lot of things so things don't shrink (I hardly need that right now).  So then I grab all that off the drying rack and bring it upstairs, but wait...that drawer.  So I fold some stuff and figure out what I want in each drawer.  One is for pants, one is for nice shirts and tanks and camis.  And the other one for workout stuff.  So, what goes in the other one?   Oh, casual stuff, okay.  So now the entire contents of four drawers are amassed atop my sheetless bed. 

I think it might be time to go vacuum, but before I do, I must pick up the ten pairs of shoes by the door and put them away.  Which requires a trip upstairs to the bedroom.  I open the closet and decide there are probably a dozen pairs of shoes that I don't wear any more and wouldn't my sister probably like them?  So I go through the shoes.  

Focus, Lucy, focus.

Heartbreaker

Today was just one of those days.  Okay, so it's been one of those weeks.  Mayhem and foolishness.  

Two..three things happened...maybe four things worth noting happened today.

1.  The balls-to-the-wall tough interview with Boston.  It was tough.  I respected that.

2.  The ex-man-boy told me to eff off basically.  Apparently nothing will ever be good enough for me. And when I say, "I think we have different communication styles.  I want to sit down with you and talk.  You don't seem up to the effort of having drinks or dinner or whatever.  Which is fine, but I bend to what you want and I want you to do what I want for once.  That's all." it "pisses [him] off." Should it really  make him angry when I point out his selfishness.  So, he decided to "say eff it, because nothing will ever be good enough for you."  Wow.  So... you'd rather just eff it, because I pointed out that not once in the whole time you've known me, have you ever just gone out for drinks, dinner...whatever, just to talk!!  Are we really relegated to a juvenile text messaging relationship?  I'm sorry T, as much as I (used to) like you, I just can't get with that.  No, selfishness and never doing something I want, no something I need, is just beyond you.  Nice.  Thanks.  As Esteban would put it, hey...leave him in the rear view mirror if that's where he wants to be.  Thanks, SR.  I will remember that wise piece of advice always.  

3.  After said long day, I was able to contact my crack team of drinkers (thank you, C.W.)  who agreed to a drink at my local watering hole.  It helped immensely that the waiter likes to hit on me.  Oh, yes.  He told me that I smell good.  Asked my age.  Asked if I was dating anyone.  Oh when, dear waiter bloke, will all this attention earn me a free drink?!  

4.  Okay, so maybe 5 things happened to me today.  I'm saving the best for last.  I quit the leadership thing today and I think that I did it in such a manner as to extricate myself in the most professional manner possible. 

5.  Last, but certainly not least... Visitor man continues to be supportive, calling me and might even squeeze in a quick trip to see me before he leaves for Europe on Monday.  He better stop before I become a smitten kitten. 

And now, back to the music....  they call me heartbreaker...I don't want to deceive ya.... if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please....

Fishbowl Syndrome

One of the things that I have struggled with immensely during unemployment, and particularly right now, is the lack of meaningful connection with others.  Whether it be the secretary I always say hi to in the morning, the stories swapped over lunch, happy hours on Fridays and everything in between...all of the daily, mundane interactions are missing from my life.

I wake up and maybe talk to the cats.  I talk to myself.  I might text visitor man.  I check emails, voicemails (never any), Facebook and then begin the never ending process of job-hunting.   Connecting with someone via email, text or Facebook just isn't enough for me.  I want a voice.  I want to talk to someone.  I want to see a face.  I want a handshake or friendly hug or pat on the shoulder.  When I do get the chance to talk to someone, I feel like I completely monopolize the conversation.  Likely because I haven't talked to anyone for real in days!  And sometimes, even when I do, I don't feel like I'm making that connection.  

I probably annoy the heck out of visitor man; I text and want him to call me from dawn til dusk and beyond that even. But he has a job and a life that I'm not a part of and that's okay.  I understand.  I just want someone to really, really pay attention to me!  Having someone's complete, rapt, undivided attention doesn't happen a lot lately.  Someone who's really into me.  I feel like I'm that fish in the fishbowl, peering out and observing the activity swirling around me, moving on without me. 

When I'm out, I get such a thrill from the bloke who's making googly eyes back at me.  Sometimes I just want to see if I still have it in me.  Because on the inside, I feel like that short, fat, ugly chick that's out with all the pretty, popular girls.  I know confidence doesn't come from someone else telling me I'm hot, but it sure does help.  

Is it too much to ask, to feel engage and involved in life once again? 

I'm looking so cute, I'm looking so fine....

I've begun in earnest the journey of losing a few pounds.  Preferably by July 31, 2010 which is my baby sister's wedding and I am to fit into a dress and look adorable.  In this journey which includes as many hours as possible at the gym (okay only like one hour daily so far), it's also about eating healthy.  This generally gets me in trouble as I do not like fruits and veggies so much.  I don't buy cookies and snacky stuff, however, so that is a good start.

I know, I know.  You are all so incredulous.  No, I don't even eat corn.  Sorry, it's totally a texture thing, I think.  My mum should have stuck with baby food...now that texture, I can get with.  So before my 30th birthday on August 16, if I haven't already  mentioned it, my goal is to be able to include 10 veggies and fruits into my daily menu.  So far it's been tomatoes and onions.  Salsa, in other words.  And chicken chili.  I like strawberries and love love love pineapple!  But it is hard for me to actually buy, bring home and then eat all that.  I think it's the preparation factor. 

Even though none of the fat has left my body yet, I am surprised by the confidence I feel, once again, since I have started working out regularly (only on day 3 but that's progress!).  So tonight I'm rocking a jean skirt, leggings and a t-shirt (XS, thank you) that isn't shaped like a maternity shirt.  Oh, and cute flats of course.  Just wearing something cute and other than pj pants or jeans and a t-shirt is so confidence inspiring.  I should do this more often.

In other news, I have a phone interview tomorrow with Boston.  It was scheduled for today but they forgot to tell me about it.  Also, visitor man continues to grow on me, quite steadily.  I want to talk to him more though.  His work schedule is bizarre.  He will be away for two weeks in Europe (I tell him countless times how jealous I am that he is going to Amsterdam and he says he will bring me back stroopwafels.  The man knows what stroopwafels are!!).  Swoon.  I love really smart, intelligent, nerdy people who know a lot of things.  It's so hot.  

 

I will also be cat-sitting this weekend which I am totally excited about as they are young cats...kittens!  Well, I don't know how kitteny, but I just love cats.  I'm also going to Denver in a few weeks and I scored a day long kitchen-baking-helper-dishwasher-whatever else-gig after I get back from Denver!  I'm sooo excited about all these fun things that are coming my way.  

Don't look now, but that might be a good mood beaming from my effervescent little face.

Healthcare...Yes We Did

For those of my friends, families and readers who are die-hard Republicans, Obama-haters, anti-socialist healthcare or anti-Obama's healthcare bill-ists and healthcare non-reformists, I'd like you to take a step back and listen to a story about a young, successful and hardworking woman whom you've either come to love or have loved your whole life...me.

As you should know by now, I lost my job eight months ago.  When I was employed, I had a high deductible plan and an HSA.  I said good-bye to all that coverage and never said hello to COBRA or other coverage as it was too expensive on a monthly basis to warrant paying for.  Besides, I'd always been healthy and accident-free.  If I was in a car accident, I'd have had my car insurance cover medical bills.

But alas, eight months into unemployment and I've suffered a concussion at the hands of a negligent drunk person and serious dehydration due to food poisoning or a virus.  Both times I was in the emergency room and had the full schedule of doctors, nurses and radiologists doing what they do best: making sure I was okay and charging me an arm and a leg for it.

I've never had debt in my life.  No student loans.  I paid my way through school by working a lot and making sure I could always pay for school at the beginning of each semester.  I've paid cash for both cars I've owned.  No car loans.  No credit card debt.  Now, I do have a mortgage but that is "good debt," I am told.  I have a little bit of credit card debt and a LOT of hospital bills that if I were to pay, would not be able to pay my mortgage.  Why, do you ask?  Because I have no healthcare plan or coverage.  Because COBRA is so expensive, I decided I would rather take the risk of sickness than pay for it monthly and not be able to put a roof over my head at some point.  

It turns out, I did get sick.  It's nothing you can help or prevent when it comes right down to it.  I was careful.  I wasn't willfully negligent in how I conducted myself.  I was insulated from workplace germs.  I still got very, very sick.  I'm also single.  I have no one but myself to count on for pay for things.  It's all me, all the time.

I've also always been a productive member of society, paying my taxes and giving back to my community.  While I now depend on federal aid to make ends meet, that's how it's designed to work.  I've worked since I was 16, paid taxes and now, in a time when the economy is in a funk through no fault of mine, the government is helping me out.  I'm still better off than many people, but I cannot go to the doctor unless it's an emergency.  This costs more than preventive care, and millions are in the same boat as I am.

Stop.  Think.  I am someone you love.  I am someone you care about.  You do not want me to die because I could not afford healthcare.  You know I have done nothing to deserve my situation.  I am not willfully sucking public coffers dry because I choose not to work.  I am still contributing to my community as I am able.  Why don't you want me to have affordable, universal healthcare?  Are you afraid of a socialist state?

Taxes?  You are afraid of taxes?  Really?  Would not one of you, if I was laying on my deathbed and unable to afford lifesaving medicine, pay for it so I could live?  So why would you now not want to contribute to my health and well-being in a slightly different manner?  Do you only want to pick and choose who deserves healthcare and when?  "Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me." 

Maybe you're afraid of socialism, the big bad wolf.  I don't think we're going to be sending our country in a spiralling whirlwind towards socialism.  We are too firmly rooted in capitalism.  I'm assuming 90% of the Republicans and others I know who are against this healthcare reform are Christian.  Since when is it Christian to not care about others? 

Why don't you want me to have healthcare?

Lately, I've been...

I love titling my blogs with the first few words that come to mind that describe the over all emotion of what I want to convey in the entry.  

This past week, while filled with some disappointments over not having an interview in Boston yet, has been filled with other things that I have found necessary to my survival as a social human being: human interaction.  I've had less interaction with visitor man and I miss the intelligent conversations, the peaceful demeanour and wisdom that I've come to sincerely enjoy from him. 

Previously, I've written about friends who dropped off and with whom I cannot reunite.  Fortunately, God has graced me with new friends whom I heartily embrace because I need them so much (if they only knew, it might scare them).  Hopefully I do not scare them away with my unemployed self (which is very different than the employed self).  

I went thrift store shopping (which is a phrase I have difficulty verbally pronouncing so it's good this is in written form) with a new friend.  It was a ton of fun and we found some great stuff.  Since it was such a nice day, we went to a local park where I'd never really hung out, and ate our cheap McDonald's lunches.  After a nice nap, my neighbour called and we went to get coffee, then decided to walk across the river to sit, eat and talk for as long as we felt like it.  It took us an hour, each way!  But it was the kick in the pants that we needed to get ourselves into the gym this morning.

And here is where I vowed to wake up at 8:30 every morning from now on and walk/run for an hour or more each day.  I also started rowing again.  Unfortunately, not on the river, but just at the gym.  But I can close my eyes and imagine the smooth calmness of the water and imagine slicing my shell through the river with the fluid movements that require strength, intense concentration and coordinated balance.  I can imagine how those movements allow the negative energies to leave my mind and allow myself to be filled with positive energy and happiness.

In addition, I have been reading a book called "The Soulmate Secret."  While I'm not entirely sure I believe in asking the Universe for what I want, I wholeheartedly embraced the idea of letting go those past boyfriends and living a life that I would be proud to show my soulmate, should he arrive on the scene at any given moment. 

Today, as I do laundry and contemplate my life, my loves and my future, I will attempt to do it with deliberate and purposeful thoughts, meditating on what I want from my life in the next days, weeks, months and years. 

A Poem

Sit
in the window of my house.
Listen
to the sound of alone.
Hear
the busy-ness of the street.
Feel
the sun kissing my skin.
Remember
the tender rays of love.
See
the lights starting to glow.
Suddenly
it's time to go.

Another Day in the Trenches

I had a bad day today and I may, or may not, get over it.  Perhaps a bottle o'wine will help.  Perhaps I shouldn't put myself through that misery tonight...I'll feel worse in the morning.

I supposed the day started out benignly enough...if you can consider getting up at 7am benign.  I personally do not.  Despite the offensively early start to my day, I looked forward to the redemption of the leadership program which I hoped so much for.  This  month's class was on personal branding and relevant particularly during my job search process.  The first part of the morning was good, if not invigorating.  Lunch-time came and I felt as though I might actually see this thing through.  Sometime after lunch the project groups reconvened and here is where the wheels fell off the track.

During the morning, I supposed I could tolerate the lack of meaningful conversations with anyone; after all, I was still half asleep myself.  The women at my table lived near each other and had carpooled, but I thought it was good that I was sitting with people I didn't really know.  I was making an effort.  Lunch came and as many of us sat outside in the sunlight, the longest conversations I had was as follows:

me:  Dave,* what do you do for the XYZ Foundation*?

Dave:  blahblahblah Grant Administration.

me: Oh, cool, do you have any job opening right now?

Larry:  You haven't found a job yet?  That sucks.

Dave (cynical smirk): No.  Definitely not.

*Names changed to protect the identity of the guilty parties.

Yep.  Riveting, helpful conversation.  One of the ladies who tried to get me to stay in the program said that my classmates would be there to help me, cheer me on and support me.  I must have exceptionally high standards of what supporting one another is, because this did not reflect true support to me.  

During the project group time, we attempted to establish what our project would be.  I like to consider myself a creative dissenter, and dissent on the basis that it provides new perspectives and challenges the status quo of the group.  As an "inspirational type" in the DiSC assessment, this is often what I do.  It is not meant to be blatantly and badgeringly argumentative or confrontational, but I believe healthy conflict and debate is well, just that, healthy.  What if no one ever disagreed with anything?  Where would great ideas have come from?  Plus, who wants to be a lemming, following the lemming leader off the edge of the cliff?  But we are far and few between.  Point in case, there are only three of us inspirational types out of 55 individuals. That's roughly 5.45% of us.  

But when I put my unique talents to use, I get the sense that this is unacceptable.  And finally someone pointedly said to me in a tone of frustration, "You have to realize we are not going to change the world."  What? Really?  Why not?  I personally set out to change the world every day!  Perhaps that's why I'm an inspirational type and she is...well, defeatist from what I can tell.  I  noted my disagreement verbally.  Long story short, I don't believe this, nor my penchant for "creative dissension" was taken well by anyone.  In fact, I got the cold shoulder from the group after that.  Odd, cold stares and all.

It was no wonder that the remainder of the time I wanted to run out of there to burst into tears.  I'm unaccepted in most places these days.  Like a credit card, constantly being declined because I no longer have credit.  That's me.  I left in such a hurry that I left my purse behind.  And so, I found myself at home, sans purse, keys and iPhone (which I no longer use as my primary phone so it's okay).  I indeed burst into tears and random people walking down the street would stop and ask me what's wrong.  I couldn't maintain my composure or my dignity.  I have none left.  My purse is nowhere to be found.  I can't get in touch with the program leader to see if she found it.  If she did, she hasn't contacted me about it and I'm not sure which is worse.  

I decided that I couldn't spend one more minute with these small creatures called adults.  I skipped the St. Patty's Day after party at the lamest bar in the city.  I didn't hear from Boston, as promised.  Visitor man, while responsive the last few days is barely responsive and communicative.  But, we saw that coming from a mile away, right?  Right.  

And so, I sit in my pj's with my cats, a bottle of (as yet, unopened) wine and movies I've seen countless times.  The sun fading quickly and I am reminded once again that my life has been turned on its ear; many friends long lost to the ever turning tides of my "situation" and I continue to deal in euphemisms to describe the personal hell I'm going through.  The sting of losing friends, money, confidence, and my life as I once knew it, all sinking in, slowly and painfully.  The healing process has yet to begin. 

Continuance of Despair: Granted

A renewed sense of despair and hopelessness washed over me today as I took a phone call from the Boston recruiter.  I had emailed him to check in on the status of the interview.  When I spoke with him last week, he had mentioned if I didn't have an interview last week, it would take another 10 days.  So, when I heard nothing yesterday, I just sent a benign missive re-stating my interest and just checking in.  After all, this is going on week 4 and it is the first time I have emailed to ask what's going on.  

Approximately 2.4 minutes later, my phone rang.  He explained that they had certain hoops to jump through and he wasn't going to explain it to me, because I would be confused (nice: please doubt my comprehensive abilities before you interview me/hire me).  He said it was just something on their end, just one of the quirks of how the company is and had nothing to do with me.  I have no idea what that means.  He said he didn't want me coming all the way in for an interview if (and I can't remember his exact wording so I'm paraphrasing based off of my impression of what he really meant) there wasn't going to be a job for me there.  

This news sent me spiraling back into the abyss of despair and hopelessness.  Why is this happening to me?  Did I count on this job too much?  Have I been planning too much around this interview and planning to move already?  What did I do to get this bad karma?  Is God playing one big joke on me?

Even though I slept 12 hours last night, I want to take a nap.  I feel exhausted from feeling all this emotion and now I want to go lay down and ignore the world for another hour or two.  Feeling like this makes me aware of every negative thing I am going through: I dwell on my friends not calling me any more, even though I try to reach out to them.  Leadership class tomorrow and feeling I have nothing business like to wear (particularly anything green as it's St. Patrick's Day) and my shoes are all in various states of disrepair and shabbiness, and being worn out...just as I am.  

Well...I haven't given up on this Boston thing; I cannot give up hope now because if I do, I've got nothing left.

Oh. My. Goodness.  It's 10:16 on Saturday night and I am supposed to have plans, and as much as I really want to go to this birthday party, I am just being a homebody and staying in.  I actually told some kid that I was 30 today.  Really?  30?  Bloody, I'm only 29.  It's another 5 glorious months til I'm 30.  I intend to celebrate!!  All...something...is going to break lose on August 16.  I want to go to Miami for my 30th...or maybe LA, depending...  Not tellin' ya depending on what.... 

Visitor man (who I insist needs a better nickname) is coming tomorrow morning!  Why am I excited?  Yeah...not sure.  I guess he's growing on me (insert sly grin here).  It's oddly true that I find him incredibly sexy because he's had kids already.  How weird is that?  Or is it?  

What else?  I scored a chess tournament today.  Yippee!  It is actually not too bad, even though it's a long day.  We had high school kids helping this year and some were great (thanks Abby & twin & Mr. Arthur!) and some I had to babysit (boo Bryce). 

Last night I had dinner with this random friend I made.  Or, a friend I made randomly.  And I realized, I made one friend by meeting her at the garbage bin outside our condos, and another by sitting at a 6-top with her, her friend, 2 gay men and my friend.  It was the opening of the latest restaurant and they didn't have enough tables so they seated us all together.  I love how I make friends.  Oh, and so last night at dinner, I made friends with an older gay gentleman sitting next to me.  He was so sweet and polite and loved my curly hair.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Life is good. 

random thoughts

Random thoughts from my evening:

Found a-hole ex-boyfriend's business card.  Why the hell did I keep that?  Oh well, I'll have fun tearing it to bits and burning it.

I wonder who else's mother kept all their baby teeth and gave them back?

Was this my grandmother's pearl necklace?  I should get the latch fixed.

Oooh, I just found a secret cache of bobby pins.

I wonder if my neighbours can hear my singing?  Or my musics?  Hmmm.....

If spicy foods really do burn fat, I'm going to be a stick after this batch of salsa.

Note to self: also drink more green tea. 

What day is it anyways?

I really want to go dancing this Saturday; I wonder if I can get someone to go with me...or if I have anything in the wardrobe that will fit.  Ugh...I'm fat.

I'm also bored.

Salsa Recipe

Please note, this sh*t is SPICY!  Almost too spicy for me.  I'm going to take 2 when I get done typing this up.  Also, this is my very own recipe, and first attempt at salsa.

1 can (14.5 oz) of Diced Tomatoes
1 can (14.5 oz) of Salsa Style Fire Roasted Tomatoes
1 medium onion, sliced thinly
1 garlic glove, chopped or sliced
1 can (7 oz) Chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
olive oil, about 1 TBSP
salt, to taste

Heat oil over medium heat; add onions and sweat 3-4 minutes.  Put onions, tomatoes and garlic in food processor or blender.  Add 1/2 can of chipotle peppers with sauce (this is what makes it pretty spicy; adjust to 1-2 peppers for milder salsa).  Puree ingredients.  Simmer in sauce pan on lo for 20 minutes; let cool.  

Eat within 1-2 days or you can freeze for 2 weeks.  It made two of these jars full (medium Ball canning jars).  If you freeze it, don't fill it to the very top; it needs space to expand when it freezes.

So it turns out...

Well, so Boston is pushed back until next week sometime.  They know they are at the top of my employer list and that makes them eager to get me in, but the travel schedules of their people keep colliding is some kind of cosmic, let's keep her waiting sort of way.  It's okay, I can't really blame them and I'm glad they have business to keep them very busy. 

In the meantime, I have purchased a dress for being the Maid of Honour in my little sister's wedding.  I was also the MoH in my big sister's wedding.  I guess "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" is really working out for me.  At least those are the only two weddings I've been in so far.  None of my other friends who got married in the dawn of their 20's (or for some, the twilight of their teens) apparently saw me as a close enough friend to be more than the guestbook signer or some such thing.  Ah...whatever.  Less ugly dresses to buy and wear and toss out later.  I'm not a 27 Dresses kind of girl at all. 

It's been sunny and in the 60's here, which has really helped me get motivated to get things done.  So I did the dress thing today, on a whim, as it occurred to me that it's now March and her wedding is in July.  I'm pretty much a perfect size 4, so only if I lose weight (which I plan to do) and lose some in the bosoms, would I need an alteration.  I also returned a pair of shoes that didn't work out for the upcoming interview, and a pair of pants that I decided not to need.  I had bought them in a panic when I thought I was going to get a job and need something to fit my now slightly curvier figure.  

On Monday...I did 4-5 hours of research on interview stuff and went to the gym as well.  Yesterday, got my butt kicked by my trainer.  I am sooo tired when I get home from training with her.  Which is good, theoretically, until I fall asleep for an hour and then don't go to bed til 2am and don't wake up til 11am.  Monday I actually got up at 8:30am, but I fell off that wagon quickly.  I've just been doing other stuff too.  Picked up some certified mail at the postal office, filed my taxes, threw away some paperwork I don't need... kind of spring cleaning I guess.  Partially, in preparation for moving to Boston.  Please note, I haven't even interviewed for the job yet, but I really feel quite positive about this one.  I would actually be pretty devastated if I didn't get it.  And, I'm wondering if by preparing to move there, it's too preemptive or if it's just adding to my confidence.  I don't believe in "asking the universe to give you what you want" but I do believe in asking God, and positive mental visualization of getting what you want.   

Ex-man-boy popped up the other day.  Nothing new.  Or exciting.  He said we should get together before he leaves but I don't really think he entirely means that.  I asked him if he wanted to go hiking next week or tomorrow if the weather was nice and of course, I'm not even sure why I bothered.  Lame-ass was like, yeah, I'm probably gonna pass on that offer...but you have fun with that, lol.  Don't bloody patronize me with your loling....lazy.  Like, what is he doing that...ugh, I'm not even going to get into it.  I just rolled my eyes, deleted the text and if he wants to get in touch or get together, he can ask me.  I'm so over it.  Okay, maybe not entirely, but trying.  I just don't understand if you're sitting at home doing nothing (he told me he was trying to keep busy), why you wouldn't want to get out and enjoy the great outdoors?  He told me he loved hiking and he was a freaking Boy Scout.  So... lame-ass.

I also made cookies and now I'm thinking of doing a 5 mile walk with 2lb weights, but...I am also thinking of making salsa.  I should really work out and take advantage of the nice day outside.  My problem lately is that I want something really, really tasty to eat, but my craving never gets satiated, so I'm always eating.  Gorgonzola cheese did not do the trick.  I'm thinking if I just splurged and went somewhere really good for dinner, I would be fine.  I don't know.  I want to make salsa because it's healthy and my bestie said I could use her new food processor.  She's in Vegas and I whenever she travels, I always make something and leave it in her fridge.  She's my neighbour too, so this makes it easy.  Or, should I stay home, make salsa and continue with the purging process?  I cannot decide which will make me feel best.  That's why I'm blogging.  

No more news on visitor man.  We've been talking, but I always have to initiate.  I get so bored during the day, it's nice to have someone to text, but I'm probably annoying the heck out of him.  I'm going to make some salsa now.

Bostonia

One of the more depressing things I've had the pleasure to do this weekend is Boston housing research.  I own my place here and since I'd lose a ton of money if I sold it now, I will rent it to some lucky bastard and rent a cheap, small hole in Boston.  I feel like part of this would be so much easier if I didn't have 2 cats with which to concern myself.  I have to realistically determine what I need/want in a place.  For instance, since I will be gone 80% of the time, should I look to get a laundry service or make sure I have a washer/dryer in my space (note to self: research laundry services).  Where should I live?  Close to the airport or close to the office?  Or in between?

Of course...I'm making the huge assumption that I will get this job.  I'm now quite tired from a few hours of researching, but I know what a huge difference it will make, to be able to make a well-informed decision about where to live.  

My overly-honest pie hole once again reveled in too much honesty last night and I think I really hurt visitor man's feelings.  I just didn't think he actually liked me.  Not that much, I mean I'm quite likable and all, but after having gone out only once, and living in different states and not answering my question about when he'd be back...well....I guess I figured he thought it was a fun time, but he'd have to go check out some other birds in other places and probably wasn't all too interested in a steady bird.  While he is quite lovely, I don't think that he'd be willing to give me the 97.4% complete and focused attention that I, at the moment, require.  I'm tired of having to be the unselfish person in a relationship and so, someone must pay me close attention should he like to win my heart.  

 

Oh, well...I wasn't sure it was going to work even if I would like to have tried.  I think I really just need a local bloke, so that he can give me 97.4% complete attention.  I guess I will wait until my arrival in Boston to continue looking.

But, after a weekend of great debauchery, bock beer and shenanigans with all my friends, and a little sunshine, I can't say life is anything but grand.  My favourite quote of the weekend came after my bestie and I were one of only 2 or three couples dancing (in front of a few hundred people) and of course, we were the only same-sex couple dancing (because we are friends, not because we are dating).  And she saw an intern she had to on-board on Monday so we went to go apply some teamwork principles and try to drag her into dancing with us.  This young little intern (who was what, all of 22 or so?) said that she and her beau had been watching us dance and he said, "Wow, they are definitely not shy."  So, I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but heck, we were the only two people having the time of our lives and not giving a flying fig about what anyone else though.  It was lovely.

Jumble Gym

I have all these thoughts, just rambling around in my head.  So...I guess let's start with the most important: I want this job in Boston!  Not just because it's a job, or any job...but it's the right job for me.  I'm still waiting to hear from the recruiter about when my interview will be.  I'm still thinking next week Friday, but ring damn phone!

Also, after further consideration and review, I don't know if visitor man and I will entirely work out.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's the living in two different states which is such a drag.  I really wanted him to go to the local beerfest with me this weekend, because it'd be a fun date-like thing to do, but alas,  not only is he working but of course, he's in a different state.  He's nice, I like him but I don't know...I guess I miss that feeling that I had when I met ex-man-boy.  Sometimes, I actually am afraid I am about to call visitor man by ex-man-boy's name.  I wonder if his 8 year seniority to me affects how attractive physically he is to me.  Or am I embarrassed that he looks his age (or older, if he's wearing his glasses).  Is it me, just not sure what I want right now?  Does nice always matter?  Is it the only thing that matters?

Speaking of ex-MB, he is apparently moving back home (as in, to MI, to his parents' house) for a while.  No, I haven't talked to him.  This appeared on Facebook today.  I think this is so ironic.  He basically just quit his life, his job, me...to go to California and now, at almost 27 years old, he's moving back in with mum and dad.  While my life may not exactly be in non-shambles, at least I can still support myself and land on my feet, take care of myself and my kittens. 

Well, pre-drinks with my lovely neighbour lady await me and I and my jumble gym thoughts will go get worked out over a night of quaffing beers.

I am so tired today.  Yes, I stayed out late last night with handsome visitor man.  He's a lot of fun and I can pretty much say whatever I want and know that I am still acceptable.  Because sometimes, I say some pretty honest stuff.  I actually don't even remember what time I went home.  We got drinks and food and then went to listen to some latin jazz at a local jazz club...which was actually mostly empty.  And I had my first slow dance.  Ever.  Yes, I have arrived at the age of 29 never having slow danced.  It's a long story.

Anyways, I'm still waiting to hear from the internal recruiter when my interview is supposed to be.  I figure if it is this week, then they will have to tell me by tomorrow.  And even though I haven't exactly ruled it out yet, I am thinking it will be next week instead.  My meeting yesterday with the gentleman who recommended me for the position went really well and he gave me a lot of advice for interviewing.  I really, really want this job.

So I'm thinking about going to bed...even though it's like only 9:06pm.  Yes, I'm really just that tired.  And I need to do research for this interview in case it's this Friday after all. 

I Became a Fan of "I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook"

Yes, I became a fan of that group today.  Damn Facebook.  It's great for some things...like, reaffirming your ex was a jackass and why you're still glad you broke up.  Venting in your status update.  Posting pics of your most glorious moments.  Getting back in touch with your cousins. Celebrating those special moments (and kids and weddings).  

What it's bad for: when you randomly type in that guy's name...that guy that from the moment you saw him walk in the room you were head over heels, smitten like a kitten and there was no going back.  That guy that is so handsome he to you he seems out of reach, but is real enough to touch, to feel, to hurt you... That guy that just has it all.  Women love him.  Men love him.  He makes a lot of money.  He lives in California.  He makes your heart skip a beat.  Swoon finally has a personal application; it's how he made you feel with that first kiss.  Mmmm....  And even though it's been more than a half a year since you last saw him, just seeing that boyish grin, that hot body, that beautiful brown skin...  it's like reliving every moment you ever spent with him.  Your face lights up, just seeing his happy, glowing face.

And then.  Reality.  He just used you and while it was mutual for a while, he suddenly made it weird by implying that you were "comodotizing" him.  Sure, you like the company of God's gift to women, then you resent that he knows it and flaunts it.  You remember those sweet, soft moments just laying together talking and sharing and tender kisses, the way he wrapped you up in his arms.  You're just never going to forget the way his skin feels, the way he smells and the way he is just crazy and funny and smart and everything, absolutely everything you ever wanted in a man.  Everything.  It was even cute how you fought because he is so obnoxious and then you made up. 

Sometimes you feel "lucky" to be counted among one of his; one that he deigned to descend to and use.  It all would have ended fine if your "understanding" had been understood by you both.  Then you feel angry that you ever felt like you weren't "good enough" for him.  Angry that he made you feel that way.  Angry that he's really living the life: money, travel, doing whatever he wants, women, doing whomever he wants...

Then you realize, there's a fullness he will never experience.  There's a depth he will never reach.  There's a richness he will never have.  There's a woman he will never touch.  You.  He can't have it all, after all...he can't have you.

Fiona and Her Blanket

I have a cat who is, no joke, addicted to this electric blanket.  MY electric blanket.  We literally fight over it.  And I win, because I am bigger (never said that before).  But she still tries to find even one tiny corner to park her skinny little cat bum anyways.  It's kind of cute, but I never turn the darn thing off, which I think can't be good.  We'll find out when something burns or the electric shorts.  And Other Cat vies for my lap while meowing forlornly, as though I have banished her.

A busy day...week for me.  I have been working on cleaning since 10am this morning when I was jolted awake by a phone call (hope I did not have morning voice for Mr. Recruiter).  So, either this Friday or next Friday I shall be interviewing in Boston...but he didn't give me a final answer today!  I also went to get my size 6 bum kicked by my trainer at the gym.  After a great yoga session yesterday and training today, I'm going to be sore tomorrow; I can totally feel it.  I ran home, gobbled up some chicken picatta and held Fat Cat for a while while resting my eyeballs.  Then it was off to babysit for a networking event.  No childrens showed up, so home again, home again, jiggety jig...and $20 later...

I'm delaying the last part of cleaning: clothes.  Ugh, I hate, hate doing this.  You'd think I was 14 again, but no, I'm 29 and I can't stand putting clothes away.  Yeah, just the putting clothes away part.  I think it was because I didn't have my own dresser until I bought my condo.  I shared one with my sister when I was little and I didn't have one really until I bought one about 2 years ago.  But I detest this chore over all else.  I even cleaned out and rearranged the vanity in the bathroom before I attempted this onerous chore.  Actually, I cleaned it out with "I might be moving to a small, expensive apartment in Boston" in mind.  Chucked half things of stuff that I know I'll never use and are like 2 or more years old.  It's such a good feeling.  Maybe I can get myself motivated to do that to everything else in my condo over the next 2 weeks.

So, tomorrow, I am giving myself time in the morning to get dressed, straighten my hair, last-minute cleaning and tidying up (hopefully there isn't much left to do after tonight).  Then, it's off to lunch with a colleague who will tell me all there is to know about this job I'm interviewing for in Boston, meet up with handsome bloke and then... I have no idea what to do with said handsome bloke.  

Okay, okay...off to clean and let Fiona have her electric blanket back.  Ex-man-boy might as well have bought me an electric cat bed for Christmas, for all it gets used for these days.