I Thought You Should Know

By now, many of you are familiar with who I am.  You've courageously read about my ups and downs.  I say courageous, because I think you must be this, to have remained a loyal reader.  You've seen me at my worst.  But you've never seen me at my best.  You don't know the "real me."  So, I'm going to tell you a little bit about the Real Me.

I used to want to be a fish when I grew up.  This is a true story.  I would walk around the house, with my little lips scrunched up into a fishy peck, and swim and swerve around the house, my hands together like fins, slicing through the air, as though it were water.  I'm deathly afraid of water.

In pre-school, when asked to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up, I saw all the boys drawing firemen, astronauts and policemen.  The girls drew nurses, teachers and moms.  Me: a multi-colour haired skateboarder.  It took me forever to figure out something that was different. 

When I was about 4 or 5, we got a cat and named him Friday.  He was my best friend.  He hated my older sister.  He is living a beautiful life now, by a pond, running through the tall grass and chasing butterflies.  Sometimes he gingerly steps to the edge of the pond and looks at the fish.  He might eat one if he's hungry, I imagine.

I didn't know I was smart, or intelligent, til my sophomore year of college and an Honors College professor told me so, after I fell asleep in her class.  She wondered why one of her most precocious students should fall asleep and rather embarrassed me when she woke me up by slapping the top of my desk.

I willed myself into doing things, after that.  I wanted so badly to study in Brasil.  I did.  Against my parents' preferences, got a scholarship, worked four part-time jobs and made it happen.  It was perhaps the most transformative four months of my life.

The summer I met the best man I've ever met, I just knew it was going to be the summer that I found somebody I'd want to date and be with for a long time.  Even though our dating relationship lasted only 2.5 years, we are still best friends to this day.  It was almost like I had dreamt this, and willed it into being so.

My career, heretofore, has been an exercise in pure, sheer will.  I willed and wanted my way into learning complex fixed income instruments, derivatives, how to interpret regulations and securities laws, how to apply those laws to daily business practices... and enjoyed many parts of that... that requires sheer willpower if nothing else does.

So here I am today, looking at who I was before this almost 10 month affair with unemployment.  I'm willing myself to find my next ideal job with an ideal boss in an ideal city.  I know it's going to happen.  I can feel it in my bones, that something is just around the corner for me.  

Just like the little girl who wanted to be a fish, even though she is afraid of water....  I can conquer and quell those fears.

Like the cheeky little child who absolutely insisted she draw something spectacularly different, just to be different.... I stand out among all the sameness; I am unique.

As the prescient young adult, seeing her future mate and friend before he arrived.... I am once again, seeing a sign of wonderful things to come.  Not just a job, but my partner for life.  We are slowly spinning round and round, towards each other and soon our worlds will collide.

Some things just don't change; Fiona, a little replica of Friday and her sister Portia keep me company.  I'm still different.  My willing-ness...it's all still there.  I'm a fighter, a survivor and I'm going to fight and claw and will my way into a job because it's the only way I know how.  I just thought you should know.