Difficult, Easy

My mum always says, "It's all what you make of it." Today, I'm not making much of anything. I'm perhaps making a mess of my life and seeing it as immensely difficult. Everything, everything, everything is difficult. I need to send transcripts from three schools to prospective graduate schools. Since I haven't been in school for, oh, seven years, this involved getting my new student ID number from one school as they have stopped using students' SSN as a student ID. I had to reset all my logins for each school, choose a new PIN or password. This involved calling their technology help desks. If you've ever worked for a large corporation, you know what this can entail. I have to pay $7 per transcript to another school. And, two grad schools don't want your official transcripts delivered unless you're accepted, so one must upload the transcripts. This means getting a copy, scanning and uploading. Sadly, I do have all day for this kind of inanity. Relationships are so difficult. Friendships with people who have seemingly endless amounts of money to do anything or really just don't need to think about money. $50 for a concert, $15 for the weekly quiz night, happy hours, going out to dinner, shopping.... for me, it adds up to a lot more than my meager unemployment benefits. It pains me to write my mortgage payment check every month. It hurts to see the automatic withdrawals for my cell phone, cable and electric bills. It's difficult to have a social life. I tend to lean on my significant other person who doesn't go out too much, for human interaction and connection. I like this theoretically. Mostly because I adore him and when he is present, I feel like I never need to meet or be with anyone else for the rest of my life. It's really nice to just hang out and not worry about feeling guilty because he is paying and I can't afford to pay my fair share of the time. But, I'm a some-maintenance girl. Not high, not non, just a little bit. It's difficult for me to demand and receive what I want: to go out once in a while. Because then I'm viewed as the difficult, mean, yelling, demanding person. Once every other week, a movie, dinner, a walk around the mall...why is that difficult? Difficult to turn the heat on because it will cost money; difficult to pile on layers of clothes instead. Difficult to go shopping because food is expensive; difficult to find anything to eat when you're hungry. Difficult to explain to your family why you can't drive home for the holidays; difficult to justify spending $90+ in gas money for a day with your difficult family. Difficult to have a social life; difficult to be good company; difficult to see the end of all troubles; difficult to find a job; difficult to be a good friend or girlfriend; difficult to find your self-worth; difficult to get out of bed every morning and face the day; difficult to deal with complicated people and situations; difficult to enjoy life; difficult to even cry about it all. When everything else is difficult, one thing is easy: for me to feel sorry for myself. And I do, today. It's easy for me to feel alone, completely isolated. Easy to feel powerless, to struggle. Easy to figure out who your friends are. Easy to wonder when will this ever end? Easy...to give up.