What is it with...

...my cat always wanting to sit behind me on this chair.  Maybe my bum is nice and warm and she thinks it's a radiator. 

So my house is a complete disaster zone.  Dishes that need to be washed, floors are dirty and need sweeping.  I haven't been this messy since... well probably like 6 months or so.  This week has just been busy.  I had an informational/informal interview today.  I won't get the job but that's okay.  The gentleman who asked me in to talk to his people is going to be forwarding my resume around to a bunch of people.  And, next week Wednesday, I finally have the interivew for the personal assistant position lined up.  Once again I'm struggling with steady, good paying job with benefits or cool fun job that doesn't pay much, no benefits but I can stay home a lot and still do a lot of fun and non-traditional things to make money.  Plus, when I go to grad school, I should get a decent financial aid package. 

Next...what is with people that just turn their backs and walk away?  What does that say about their regard for the relationship they had with the person they walked out on?  It's confusing, to say the least.  Not to mention, who is it that deserts a successful, beautiful, energetic, charismatic, Harvard-bound, home-owning, pet loving, creative woman who cooks and bakes amazingly well on top of all that?  Someone so short-sighted and interested only in their own immediate comfort that they cannot see that perhaps someday, this person could help them get a job or offer helpful connections.  It's not what you know, it's who you know.  If you're going to be selfish, make it work for you.  I'm struggling to come to terms with this kind of behaviour.  I'm not upset or angry, just very confused and not quite sure what to make of it. 

Things for me to be excited about: A List

1. I'm going to visit my sister and nieces this weekend for my oldest niece's 4th birthday party!  I don't know when I'll be coming back.
2. I started a great young professional's leadership class tonight and met some truly wonderful individuals.  Someone is giving me advice on job hunting and resume and another one, a cop, is pretty cool because he patrols my 'hood.  Plus, I new probably 6 or 7 people in my class. 
3. We get to go to an outdoor camp thing with ropes courses and stuff soon, to develop trust and other stuff among the class participants.  And I get to do it again in March for another group!
4. I went to Nordstrom Rack today and bought 2 pairs of dress pants, one jumper, one dress, and stockings.  This is exciting because I now have professional attire that fits! 
5. I decided to stop drinking alcohol for the month of February.  If I can not drink during valentine month, I am a rock star.  I'll also learn that my radiant, vivacious personality shines through without liquid courage. 
6. My newest goal is to lose 5lbs in the month of February.  Not drinking should help this. 
7. I started going to the gym again. 
8. I'm going to learn to cook healthy things, instead of all the full-fat recipes I've been making for the last 5 months. 
9. A new hair colour will likely be applied to my hair soon, along with a hair cut.
10. I get to babysit my nieces on Monday night!!

The new ME

I've never been a stick.  Ever since I was oh...slightly past the age of maybe 16, I knew I was never going to be a stick.  I thought I could be, but I also knew I probably wasn't going to give up eating.  I tried.  I really, really tried.  I seriously tried to be anorexic because my best friend was and I wanted to know what it was like.  I guess I just don't have the discipline for it. 

When you have even the slightest amount of Mexican genes, you get the latina body as well, I suppose.  I'm from a line of curvy women.  And actually, I'm really okay with curvy.  I figure it makes me a real woman in some way.

I'm under 5' tall so while curvy is good, chubs is not.  I have usually hovered around 95.  My adult low was 89 when I returned from Brasil.  My adult high was about 97lbs, after I came back and started eating again.  I dropped back down to 92 when I was rowing, running and not eating a lot pre-tonsilectomy (because I could barely swallow anything more than soup and mashed potatoes).  Today, I am 110.  I'm definitely heavier than I want to be and nothing in my wardrobe really fits.  Except maybe jeans and t-shirts and loose fitting dresses and jumpers.  I particularly like the empire wasted items in my closet right now. 

But I've really come to terms with my body shape.  Sure, I should probably drop at least 10 pounds and I'd be happier if I lost 15, but I'm a shapely little bitty chica.  I don't need to be stick skinny.  Oh, and I actually now have ahem, bosoms.  I was informed that if I talk about being 110lbs, that tall people would assume I have an eating disorder.  Well, sorry, tall people, I'm not going to stop talking about my weight just to make you comfortable.  I do not have an eating disorder...unless you count enjoyment of eating things with full fat content such as cream and butter and bacon and pancetta.  You will also be happy to know that I can't make myself throw up either.  I just can't do it.  Yes, I have tried.  Just to see if I could, not because I wanted to be skinny. 

I will be going to the gym to lose at least 10lbs and will be watching what I eat.  I want to be healthy and active.  I don't need to be a stick.  And expect to hear a few updates from me. 

                                        

My New Life

I have a busy week ahead of me, but I feel like I can't get anything done at home.  Monday, my friend from New Zealand stopped by and we managed to find her some gluten-free bread; she kindly bought me a coffee and we drove around a part of the city, looking at the really expensive old homes in the area.  Then I went to quiz night and didn't get home until almost 1am.  I had a good time, talked with my friends and appreciated the support I received from them on various things.  I'm trying to be positive and not complaining when someone asks me how I'm doing.  But I  honestly am not sure really what to say.  There's nothing new, right?

Today I returned a pair of gorgeous golden bronze heels to Nordstrom Rack, one of my favourite places to find size 4.5-5 shoes for my itty bitty feet.  They were beautiful and I had intended to rock them on New Year's Eve, but alas, plans were not what I had hoped for.  This evening, I'll be attending my first dinner club dinner, Thai themed.  I'm making the appetizer.  It's also my niece's 4th birthday!  I wish I could celebrate with her.  I really want to go to the gym today as well, now that I have my car back, but I am waiting for my sister to call me so that I can talk to my niece.  In the meantime, I'm writing this instead of cleaning my very messy kitchen.

Tomorrow I attend the kick-off for the year-long leadership program into which I was accepted.  I'm not sure what to wear, honestly, because I'm not sure what will still fit.  I have a pair of navy linen pants but my navy shoes have a broken heel that hasn't been repaired (for the 3rd time) yet.  I definitely need to dress in professional attire however.  I'm a little nervous because everyone else in the leadership program has an awesome job!  Of course, I probably wouldn't have been able to participate in this program if I was still employed by my previous employer. 

Thursday is actually the only day this week that so far, I have nothing planned.  And it's all MINE!  I'm not going to plan anything, so that I can do things for myself.  Like, go to the gym.  I have another potential roomie, so I want to get things in order.  I know I keep saying this, but going through ALL my clothes and things is such a big task.  Honestly though, I need to make a rule that if I haven't worn or used it in a year, it needs to get tossed or go to Goodwill.  Also, I would like to try to sell my computer desk now that I have a laptop.  I don't really need a whole huge desk any more.  I also need to bake cookies for my friend's birthday coming up and mail them to him.  I have no bake cookies already made; I need to frost the rich roll cookies and perhaps make some chocolate chip and or oatmeal butterscotch as well.  Starting next week Thursday, I'm going to be GRE studying with my neighbour and I'm really looking forward to that. 

Friday I am going to a cooking class that was really cheap, with the girls.  I'm really looking forward to the Italian menu, but need to figure out what I have to wear, that fits, that doesn't consist of jeans and t-shirt.  Seriously, this extra 10 pounds is not going over so well with me.

I'm still trying to get back into a routine.  Since I went to bed around 2am this morning, I didn't get up until about 10 and that was only because I really made myself.  I need to clean, clean, clean!!  And organize and throw things out that I don't use.  Litter boxes, sweeping, floors, laundry, the works!  I just need to make a list and get through it.  In addition to all the cleaning, job searching needs to be a priority, as well ast networking and getting back in touch with friends and colleagues.  One would think that, being home ALL THE TIME, I would have this stuff done, but sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing to do, nothing important, that is, it is much easier to forget about everything and just watch tele or cook or stare at Facebook and my email until someone updates their status or an email comes in.  Really, I've done it before. 

But, being newly emotionally free from worrying about anyone other than myself is bound to make me more productive in a day or two.  And once my volunteer and leadership stuff gets underway, perhaps I will once again feel like a productive member of society.

Monday...again?

First and foremost, I have fallen off the normal routine wagon.  I pulled a 3am-11am sleep shift last night.  I find myself thinking that I am just too bored to go to bed.  Has anyone else ever thought this?  I told myself it didn't matter as much, as today is a holiday and probably a lot less people are working today, and so I am not the only one in a non-normal routine today. 

I did, however, take a shower already and start the dishwasher.  I made plans with a friend to do a little sight-seeing around town today.  I even put on a clean pair of jeans and makeup.  This evening, I will go to quiz night.  And hopefully, go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

I like how I justify my odd sleeping hours, then congratulation myself on doing the barest minimum possible.  Ha. 

Things I should be doing include cleaning my kitchen and bathrooms; going through all the junk and clothes I have sitting in my second bedroom so that I can turn it into a comfortable, cozy lounging area for myself.  Or a bedroom for visitors or a roommate (currently resisting having a roommate, I like my space and privacy right now and besides, what if I have to move for a job?).

Instead, I've been watching Fiona sit on the flat top stove, dreaming of ways to fill the time unproductively til my friend comes over and trying to stay warm, not chilly.  I'm really not this lazy, I'm just bored at the moment.  Hm.  I think I will go put on some warmer clothes, then eat the rest of the incredibly yummy gorgonzola and pancetta risotto I made last night. 

In other news, I have convinced myself I am not getting this job with my old employer (not the one that laid me off, the one before that).  I emailed the hiring manager on Wednesday last week, but haven't heard anything.  I'm assuming they are offering it to someone else and just need to make sure the offer goes through before they tell me I am unwanted and that there was a better candidate for the position.  If that's the case, I likely will find a way to move out of this city as I feel a strong need for a change of pace and a new setting.  Preferably one where I think I have a decent chance at finding a good mate.  Because I do, in fact, want to get married sometime in the near future.  Near being defined as the next 3 years.

And that, my friends, is another Monday for me.

I usually start my Sundays with coffee and yoga. Not at the same time, of course. My first experience with yoga was probably when I was about 23 or so. The instructor wasn't actually a certified teacher and it was held in my apartment complex's clubhouse. After a few sessions, it was no longer free and I lost interest because I wasn't really that impressed anyways.

Recently, a friend of mine completed her yoga teacher training and has been holding lessons in her spacious apartment. I have discovered so much more than how to regain my flexibility. This is me time for me. I'm able to connect with myself so much better and I feel stronger and more centered. I never really believed it when people said they could become calmer and centered from practicing yoga. But after seeing my friend settle into happiness and focused on the positives in life, and sharing that with her friends in a very selfless way, I have become inspired.

Inspired that perhaps I too, can find strength of spirit, peace of mind and comfortable happiness.

Recently, the significant other became insignificant, due to a complete 180 degree turn around, with behaviour I had hoped to never expect from him. Sadly, I've just come to expect this behaviour from boys in general. The promise and illusion of being honest disappears with a sudden wave of the hand and poof. You can't trust anything he says any more.

We didn't have a fight. He just behaved badly and hasn't returned my calls. I didn't even point out that he behaved badly. So I'm choosing to move on without so much as a last word to him. This is the last time I talk about him. I'm sure he'll text me at some point when he wants his stuff, but... I've moved on now. Moved on to someone else. Me.

Insignificant other, thanks for making it easy to move on.

Freedom

What is freedom? Freedom is driving your car cross country, because you can. Freedom is saying, "Pick up your clothes by Monday or I'm throwing them out." Freedom is a new hairstyle. Freedom is packing up and leaving everything behind you, no second thoughts, no regrets. Freedom is not accepting less than what you deserve. Freedom is allowing your friends' kindness to heal your broken heart. Freedom is making new friends. Freedom is moving on with your life. Freedom is...