Emotional Assault

I discovered an article entitled, "Unemployment Is Not Leisure" (see page 41) by Martha Falconer-Blake.  It was written in 1983 by someone using a pseudonym, but her (I presume she would use her own gender in creating a pen name) eloquently written sentiments on unemployment reflect my own experience so accurately, I decided I simply must discuss them with you.  She has written her thoughts better than I have been able to express my own.

She describes the "adjustments" an unemployed individual makes in her life, whether it is in relationships, social standing or support.  While I had never pinpointed with the author's own precision what exactly it was that I have lost, her description of a loss of status is exactly what I have attempted to portray within my blog.  And, what I believe, those who have not been unemployed do not, and cannot, understand.

  "I then realized I had a loss of status and resisting this loss had culminated in my present state.  The customary restraint which I had was no longer evident.  I cried easily and the cooperative habits I had in happier times began to disintegrate." 

This particular paragraph struck such a chord with me.  It so accurately describes what I feel has happened in my own personal life.  My loss of status has brought me to a point where indeed, my normally cooperative nature in social situations has deteriorated.  Case in point, the weekend leadership retreat.  I often feel that my own misery was probably so evident in my demeanour that it likely repelled others.  And my perception (and worst fear) that my lack of any status would also repel others became a reality.  Telling others that I am unemployed is a far cry from being able to say I am the VP of an investment firm.  And just as the author found it easy to cry, I cried myself to sleep that evening.  

 

Martha (I feel we're on a first-name basis already) does not fully explore the effects of this loss on her personal relationships.  She states that she was a provider, so I imagine she had a family or those who depended upon her.  She discussed withdrawing from certain social contacts because many people are unaware of the length of  unemployment; she could no longer "cover up" her unemployment.  This is an area, however, where I feel my loss of status and income has made the largest impact.

Prior to my unemployment I made good money.  I was able to do pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted.  This included enjoying dinner and nice restaurants, drinks, dancing, and other social engagements.  By nature, I am a social butterfly and have generally enjoyed a full social calendar.  I was single as well, and more than capable of providing myself with the entertainment, dining pleasures and other enjoyments for which other people might rely on a significant other.  

Almost to the day, a month after my unemployment began, I met a delightful young man.  When I met him I stared him dead in the eyes and stated that if he couldn't handle an independent woman headed to Harvard, he could just move along.  I was so brazen and bold with my insistence to not date while I was unemployed.  Besides, he was only 26 and I doubted very much he could handle a strong, intense woman as myself who had once had a stellar career and probably made more than twice what he made.  But he laughed it off and contacted me the next day and continued for two months, to make every effort to win me over.  Little did he know that he had indeed won me over instantly.  Thus was the wonderfully blissful beginning to our relationship.  

Sadly, as with Martha, my cooperative habits of happier times disintegrated rapidly over the ensuing months.  I wanted so much to lean on him for everything that I needed physically, emotionally, mentally and financially.  Coupled with my deteriorating condition, his lack of ability and/or desire to provide me with everything I needed and wanted created a situation where I was no longer desired. at all  And could I blame the poor bloke?  Most days, no, I could not.  

 

I invoked my inner scorned woman and unleashed fury upon him.  I refrained from inflicting fury of hellish proportions on him, although I'm certain he thinks I did.  Dear Sweet Tea, it could have been so much worse.  I have oft apologized to him for things not working out between us and although he states it's not my fault, I know it takes two...to fight and to get along.  I feel like if I had been at my best while our relationship was young and growing, we could still be together.  I'm sad that it didn't get the chance I thought it should have and that this was due in large part to my situation.

Now, I know what many readers will think and say...that if he truly loved me, or cared about me etc. etc., none of this would have mattered.  Sure, I understand that, but when a relationship is so young and fragile and it's with a young and self-centered 26 year old, difficult times threaten the endurance of the relationship.  He is moving, hates the midwest and the snow and can't wait to get the hell out of dodge.  Who am I to impose my needy state upon him and implore him to stay and take care of me, while he would rather be in warm, sunny LA dancing and enjoying drunken revelry with women less needy and more beautiful than I?  It's a lose-lose situation.  

 

When I state that he is self-centered, I don't intend this to be a mean-spirited statement.  I understand that a 26 year old young man is in a completely different stage of life than I am.  That's precisely why I told him point blank, in no uncertain terms, who he was dealing with when he met me.  In the end, it turns out that my initial assessment was in fact, accurate.  My loss of status in the end, propelled me into that state of despair that he is not equipped to handle.  I'm not sure if I am. 

 

I believe Martha looked into the future and felt my heartache.  "Like a disease, the state of unemployment threatened my entire being."    I you are, are have been  unemployed, I am certain you too will understand what Martha and I have felt.  There is a certain comfort in knowing others have gone before you, some are journeying with you, and a hope that there is no one else to follow.